13th Child
I knew from the minute I laid eyes on the box cover, 13th Child: Legend of the Jersey Devil, Vol. 1 was gonna be something different. Not good, necessarily, but different. With movies like Zombie 4, Snowbeast, and Don’t Look in the Basement, you basically know what you’re gonna get from the outset. But the Jersey Devil, coupled with that funky box art, made me think, this might be something worth checking out. And I will say this: for me, who’s been into stuff like this since childhood, it was worth checking out just for a new take on the tale of the Jersey Devil. Most monster movie or horror film fans can probably just give this a pass though, since it offers little you haven’t seen before, and might even be boring to some.
Part intriguing, part monstery. How could I refuse?
Premise – 3/5
It’s a fairly nifty go for a little while. The movie’s about a rash of unsolved murders and mutilations in the New Jersey Pine Barrens which the DA—who thinks her father was killed some time ago by the Jersey Devil—sends her assistant Kathryn out to investigate. Parts of 13th Child have a police procedural feel to them, while some of it is clearly going for a pseudo-documentary feel a la The Blair Witch Project, only minus the extreme nostril-cam and confessional shots. This documentary approach is a bit more like Cops, I guess you could say.
Anyhow, Kathryn goes out into the rednecky woods with one NYPD cop and one Park Ranger, and they try to figure out just who killed these people so savagely. There they meet the eccentric, if not batshit insane Mr. Shroud who refuses to cooperate with anyone but Kathryn, who he apparently has eyes for. Meanwhile, a guy named Riley (who just so happens to be the DA’s father’s partner, and was the last one to see him alive) is locked up in an asylum and keeps rambling about being an eyewitness to the Jersey Devil, and mumbles some crap about Indians and “glow bones” (which, fair warning, will never make sense throughout the rest of the whole movie).
Is this ever a good thing to see?
After these character introductions and some investigation by Kathryn’s crew, the movie sorta falls apart. You can see after they meet Mr. Shroud (and BTW, anyone with a name like that has got to be trouble) that the director was either losing interest or was running out of time for the movie, because the characters behave in increasingly dumb ways. Like Kathryn sneaking around Shroud’s house late at night and just snatching a talon matching one they found at the original crime scene from Shroud, and I’m sure anyone who has even the least understanding of law can see why using that as evidence could be problematic. And, even though Shroud’s now a suspect in multiple grisly homicides, the allegedly veteran NYPD cop figures it’d be just fine to go investigate the house by his lonesome (which is a bad idea to begin with, not even to mention the fact that he doesn’t bother getting a warrant or anything). And later, while confronted by a freshly mutilated body and watching this thing kill another guy, Kathryn throws her service pistol away in favor of…a tranquilizer gun that has one dart in it? Alrighty then.
But, all the same, even after the movie starts shooting itself in the foot, there’s still a ghost of a cool story here, at least as it pertains to the Jersey Devil. Admittedly, the weird backstory this movie cooked up for the Devil about shapeshifting Native Americans has nothing to do with the generally-accepted lore, it doesn’t diminish the coolness factor of the Devil’s relationship with other characters in the movie. You can tell the movie has high hopes for itself, however, since the ending feels, at best, incomplete, if not rushed and stupid. Of course, I suppose the “Vol. 1″ in the title is also a giveaway that the director had more plans he just couldn’t get around to in this one. Doesn’t make me feel less gipped, though, especially since I’m not sure checking up on whether a “Vol. 2″ ever comes out would be worth the effort.
Gotta say this for the Jersey Devil, he's got a knack for art.
Cast – 2/5
The main character of Kathryn is played by Michelle Maryk, and I have to wonder if she’s any relation to the same Michael Maryk who wrote the screenplay. If so, that explains why she only really manages to cling by her fingernails to mediocrity in this role. She’s not terrible, but that’s about as much as can be said for her.
On the other hand, if you want terrible, let me present you with Robert Guillaume. Yep, that’s right, TV’s “Benson” is in this, playing Riley, the crazy guy who apparently knows the secret of the Jersey Devil and something about “glow bones.” It’s probably not his fault that all of his lines and activity in this movie reached heights of obnoxiousness bordering on a psychotic urge I had to smash my monitor everytime he came onscreen. He doesn’t make any sense, like his role was supposed to mean something to the plot but the director forgot exactly what that was. He’s in there as basically a “Deus ex WTF” even though: a) he shouldn’t know Kathryn’s out there looking for the JD; b) he shouldn’t magically be out there shadowing her one minute, then saying some stupid lines that all end in “mannn” to the security guard by his crazy-guy lockup cell the next; c) he should never, under any circumstances, have a shotgun while he’s out magically walking the night instead of being in his damn cell; and finally, d) he should NOT exist solely to show us who’s behind the Jersey Devil less than halfway through the movie and killing any sort of “whodunit” power the movie might otherwise have had.
Oh god, no....it's the obnoxious "first time" couple we see get murdered in so many slasher flicks. Why can't they stay dead?
I have to say, though, the two supporting guys, Ron and NYPD guy whose name I forget, are both played pretty well. Even if Ron does look like a runaway from some late ’70s movie about hunting sasquatch or something. But there’s more crazily uneven writing when these two and Katrhyn are sharing screen time, bantering away. Some of their lines make you think—in a good way—”holy crap, did someone with wit actually write this script?” Of course, that inevitably gets shattered when moments later you end up wanting to punch them all in the face for their mind-numbingly inane attempts at clever conversation. The movie’s got some serious multiple-personality issues under the hood.
And then there’s Mr. Shroud, played by Cliff Robertson. I don’t know if he’s just really cool as an actor, or if he’s just given something cool to say almost every line. Either way, I do like this character, and in some strange ways I’m reminded of Vincent Price (at least, whenever Price wasn’t chewing scenery like a fiend). It’s probably just Robertson’s way of saying incredibly sinister lines in such a factual, distinguished, and nearly non-threatening way that’s doing it. Regardless, Mr. Shroud’s a surprising highlight of the movie.
Diablo, Lord of Terror, knew it would be roughly seventeen and a half more years before Blizzard got around to making another sequel for him, so he decided to fill his time with small acting roles in-between shifts tormenting the damned for all eternity.
Technical Bells & Whistles – 3/5
Again, there’s multiple personality issues in this category. I don’t know how it’s possible, but sometimes the Jersey Devil itself looks sweet, and other times you feel embarrassed for the poor thing since he looks so shoddy. Part of it is camera work, I guess, and fortunately that’s a pretty standout positive this movie has going for it. It’s not “you are here” like “The Blair Witch Project,” but the camera is still always getting right into the thick of the action, while still giving you a solid feel for what’s going down. Whoever’s responsible for the cinematography in this flick should get a pat on the back and a tip that he should stay away from movies like this that lose focus so completely—they ought to know better, and show a keen eye for their work. Another one of the things that bugged me about this movie was the film stock they used, which seemed to vary in quality between scenes as much as the director’s ideas for story, tone, and plotting did. Despite the many cons this movie has (particularly in editing, a lot of shit seems cut out that would actually cause the movie to make some kind of sense), I would say the special effects and cinematography are a couple things I think this movie could certainly pride itself on. I particularly like the scene during the opening where you see a tarantula walking along, causing blood to well up on the floor wherever it touches. Creepy, and cool.
"Alright, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my closeup."
Popcorn Factor – 2/5
If you’re into folklore or cryptozoological stuff, you could certainly do much worse than this movie. Despite not having anything in common with the “real” legend of the Jersey Devil, this is still an interesting take on the subject. If you’re only slightly curious, though, I’d warn you away from 13th Child, if only because parts of it can really tend to drag out, before the movie totally fizzles out and things just start happening. And I do have to say, if you’re into gore, this movie’s gonna deliver for you in a few key, key scenes. It’s a mixed bag, this movie, and you have to decide for yourself how curious you really are.