Alone in the Dark (2005)
So if you read the article summary you’ve already seen a basic review of this movie, 2005′s Alone in the Dark directed by Uwe Boll. Let’s get a something out of the way first though before we really delve into all of this: This movie has nothing to do with the game Alone in the Dark. Anyone you hear telling you it’s based on the game is a liar. This movie also has nothing to do with the act of being Alone in the Dark. This movie is about… well, if you see it the opening 10 minutes is a roll of narrated text explaining everything because of course in the context of the film it makes no sense. Hell, it makes no sense anyway, or very little.
It’s a good old “ancient artifact opens portal to other world and monsters come out and kill people” story, although there’s not very much killing of anyone but some soldiers (and a lot of those guys). It’s a quick and dirty plot laced with a bunch of needlessly complicated things that basically amount to 10 possible plots merged together into one, with only one of those (the aforementioned) being the important one. It’s all just excuses to put images of monsters on the screen and have people shoot at them.
Everyone already knows the negatives I’m sure, lack of story, crappy cuts, poor special effects, the worst script in existance, zero actor chemistry, continuity issues, etc, but did you know there are positives in this film? That’s right, it is a horrible horrible film, but not the worst one I’ve ever seen. It didn’t melt all of the remaining brain cells I’d lost after watching The Man. First, there’s a promising opening involving some experiments on children, and then a nice grown up fellow (played by Christian Slater) who gets in a fight that actually has some isn’t too bad to watch. It’s basically downhill after that though. There’s a few more high points (one of the monster battles is kind of neat for instance) but that’s really the biggie. Also I have to say that Christian Slater must be the best actor in the universe, because he actually can take this really crappy material and make it kind of not suck. Despite having this horrible role to play he still finds a way to, you know, act.
So by now you should have gotten three things from this review:
- This movie is not the worst movie ever made.
- Christian Slater is a god.
- Do not watch this movie. No. Bad. Don’t.
Although, watching it probably won’t kill you, it’s a massive waste of time and mental energy. My recommendation would be to play the 1992 game Alone in the Dark instead.
If you’re really drunk it could be entertaining.