Deadly, with that doughy knot thing in the center... of doom.

I am an Apple Pie. I killed your whole family. I ate your socks. I had sex with your “significant other”. You can’t stop me. Cause I’m crazy. I am an Apple Pie.

Do you see me? I’m so succulent. You can’t resist me. I’m the king you know, the king of pies. People try to say “no, it’s the Pear Pie that’s king”. Yeah, well did Pear Pie eat your dog? I did. Just now.

You can’t beat me. Don’t try. I’ll send you to hell. I can do that. I have hell sending powers. I’m so tasty. Lick me. You know you want to. Lick me and die. Take a sweet bite of my delicious crust and odaciously wonderful filling… and die.

Don’t you understand? I am an Apple Pie. Get it through your head. I will be your god. Worship me. Go on. Do it. I dare you.