Posts by Fu Schnickens
Spawned of Cain, Fu Schnickens is a hairy, malodorous man-beast that plucks newbies from the feasting table and hauls them into the rafters. We'd rather not know what he does with them.
Halloween 3: Season of the Witch (1982)
It’s the reason for the season when the Hainns and Fu team up to bag themselves the White Whale of turkeys.
Season’s Bleatings from Fu Schnickens
The night HE came home! And puked and pood!
28 Weeks Later (2007)
While certainly not a horrible movie, 28 Weeks Later lacks much of a message or a point, and because it’s not a character-driven film, it needs one. There’s very little to take home from this film. Some of the directing is superb, and some is the worst I’ve seen in a long while. Let me break it down for you while Fu slobbers all over my right shoulder.
Fu Speaks: The Strangers (2008)
I woke up this morning with a semi-vom-covered stone tablet wedged under my door, and next to it an uncomfortably large and oderous pile of, well, poo. The tablet appeared to have some arcane “review” or another Fu Schnickens delivered for this, well I guess you could call it a movie–if your standards are low enough. Oh, and the poo had a Post-It note on it saying “This could be you.” I’m not sure if that was for me or the movie, but either way, Schnickens speaks up on “The Strangers.” And I helped!
A Seasonal Warning From Fu Schnickens
It’s harvest season for the website.You are all revelling at the great feasting-table at the heart of the Meadhall, celebrating this hallowed month and its bounteous bad movies. The sugary drink gradually loosens your tongues and drunken singing flies up the ancient walls into the vaulted darkness above. Rings and torques reward priceless fealty amid platters of roast duck and sleek gravyboats. Your stupor smiles out from your wine-slackened mouths. How could this grand gala be surprassed?
Out of befuddled annoyance your heads loll upward at new noise, a skittering, now a pounding, from the hidden rafters overhead. Your hard-won torpor quickly compacts into a spike of alarm as a grotesque shadow quits the o’erhanging shadows and dives clear down onto the table! THUMP! Under an incredible strain, the table holds as the shape hunches its way to the center of the grand spread–what is the thing? an ape? a demon? ape-demon? No, that’s stupid. But something waaaytoo big for a normal size!
Contemptuous, curiously ageless eyes peer redly from its horrible face as it addresses the Comitatus: