Greetings. My name is Lazlo Theophilus Kearnes, and I am a slightly-top-ranking member of the Special Executive for Counter-Intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion. Being ever-amicable to oppotunities for illicit profit in the admittedly disagreeable areas of international drug-running, weapons smuggling and white slavery, I have agreed to pen this advice column for the Everyville Gazette.

So you like the Warcraft, do ya? Like the SC, the BW? Think you’re pretty tough, conquering countless worlds and beating back limitless Orc hordes, dontcha. I hear you’re married to that 6ling build order and addicted to the sweet taste of M&M and Heavy Metal. Allow me to suggest an RTS title with a new tempo: Empire Earth. For $40, it comes served with a bag of chips and a side order of “all that.”

Suppose I’ll look on the net for the critics’ takes on it, when I’m bored enough, but here’s how I see it. Basically we have a plot that keeps hinting at two major themes, so similar as to be redundant: personas are illusions of self, and seeking fame for its own sake equally hollows one out. We also have a director who really, really liked Pulp Fiction, explaining the various extraneous scenes, characters and imagery, as well as the frickin’ diner. Lynch also apparently likes Hellraiser; this I am led to infer after a horribly forced ending with the devil-bum and the cube (Hellraiser 1). I love easter eggs and homages as much as anyone, but when a work has no substance of its own and leans on easily-recognizable forms to cover for it, I think it’s pretty sad.

In 2003, I broke WC3 on down, mainly focusing on the differences of its skirmish-level play as opposed to wargames proper. Many of my opinions have changed in the interim, but the WC3 ring is back up as of early ’06, so it’s a survivor at the least.

It’s always been my belief that our little substratum of the counter-culture (Gamers, creators, or what you like) embodies certain traits, traits that conduce to the general well-being of the arts. Foremost of these are the intellectual integrity to seek truth, and the grace to see the good in others. Feeling as I do that these virtues are the font of all artisitic communities, and knowing that much of our membership have ambitions of a kind, I believe it will help us to get our bearings by mentioning three philosophical concepts as they relate to us, these being the Question of the Exemplar, the Gauge of All is Fair, and the Inductive Ego. Since I feel that these concepts get respectively more and more significant, and since all of us can relate to the first topic most communally, I will start in this order.

Disenfranchised by the rank effeminacy of modern America, but somehow,the philosophical revlotuion that was “Fight Club” didn’t do anythign foryou? Have no fear, badass wanna-bes, ’cause now famed-author/venom-milkerBret Easton Ellis brings us the books that defined a decade (uh, made that DEFIED):

American Psycho