It’s been ten years since the last batch of murders in Woodsboro, and Sidney Prescott is back in town to sign copies of her new book on overcoming victimhood. Well, fuck that Reader’s Digest feel-good psycho-babble, because there’s a new slasher in town. Ghostface has a sweet mask that never comes off in a fight, and a totally original new m.o.—killing teenage girls.

At some point, I had to see the future. I mean, what good is a time machine if the only thing I use it for is trying to rewrite history and exploiting hippies?

I review Phantasm without once mentioning the Lady in Lavender, because the idea of the girl you just fucked turning into Angus Scrimm is fucking gross.

I guess they’re a little like zombies, but they have their own crazy motivations and can work in groups. Sort of like the Tea Party.

Usurper waxes eloquently upon the subtle texture and flavors of Amp’s new fruit beverage.

Part one of the expanded and Azrakazin-flavored retelling of the Daymara saga. Sevaka has strange plans for the Vlasian dead.

My fond childhood memories of Warlock were nearly eroded by a recent viewing of the cult classic horror film. The movie is so cheesy I was constipated by the time the credits rolled, but the effort is not totally wasted, for Warlock has one of the coolest premises of any horror film.

While certainly not a horrible movie, 28 Weeks Later lacks much of a message or a point, and because it’s not a character-driven film, it needs one. There’s very little to take home from this film. Some of the directing is superb, and some is the worst I’ve seen in a long while. Let me break it down for you while Fu slobbers all over my right shoulder.

Three Hallowarriors’ desperate search for entertainment leads them to something evil, something dangerous.

I knew going into this that David “Naked Lunch” Cronenberg was going to serve me up some oddly-paced weirdness with just enough exposition to be understandable to those of us with slightly sub-genius IQs. Well, he served it up, and he served it raw. Heavy on plot, low on character, Scanners is like a steak without a potato.