It’s officially spring, and you know what that means. Btw, everyone survive the winter? No? Well, that’s only to be expected by the titles of the many morbid (but undeniably entertaining) articles to grace Main this season. Hold your icescraper high, jam the faucet on Hot and smile as we review the Meadhall’s Best of the Winter ’09:

• My Wang Broke Off, Please Advise–It’s always good to find supportive friends when WebMD can’t keep up with how big a freak you are.
• How To Keep Warm While The Cops Are Still Baffled–The title of this instructional gem is slighly misleading; the papers prove that local police still have no fucking clue what the residue is.
• Sex With The Water Heater: You Can Too–Why does crazy so smoothly transition into horny around here?
• Working All Night In An Unheated Room Equals Bad–I hope you all learned something from me not learning anything.
• Obama, You’re Fired–An entirely fair and overdue critique of Mr. President’s second month, in which it was well-documented that he failed to make it summer again.
• Fatkid Snowshoes–You’re cold, they’re not. Damn things rationalize themselves.
• Data-Intensive Risk/Reward Analysis Of Hitting Arby’s Vs. Starving: Cold Wins Again–Who says mathematics isn’t crushingly depressing?
• Three Girlfriends And A Quarter The Warmth–Like the man said, “Better get to work, boy, ’cause the heat’s in the tool!”
• Dear Meadlosers. Rafters froze solid-er. Fix. (Don’t Make Me Come Down There.)–I know *I* had a laugh when I read…hey, did we ever get around to paying that gas b….uh oh.