Blood Tide
They said it couldn’t be done, that I couldn’t possibly review any more cheeseball horror movies…they said I was dead. How wrong they were! OK, I don’t think anybody really said that, but you have to admit you were thinking it! Or maybe you weren’t. Either way, it doesn’t matter, because I’m back to join in representin’ for October! And without further ado, I announce my presence with the eminently forgettable, yet not horrid, Blood Tide.
James Earl Jones said he'd cut me if I didn't start doing those horror reviews again, and sent me this picture as proof.
Premise – 2/5
Nothing to see here, people. An American couple decide to head to this tiny-ass island because hubby’s trying to find out what happened to his sister, who he hasn’t heard from in two years. The last thing he heard was that she was really interested in a little monastery off the beaten path on this island.
Cue the foreign kids who play games the rational Americans don’t understand, the mayor who knows more than he lets on, a sort of possessed girl, and one criminal guy who does something so dumb he unleashes a monster on them all. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before! Before it’s all over, some people will be dead, some people will be not dead, some people will learn things, some people will angrily say “I told you so.” And then there will also be a creepy incest kiss after bro saves sis—wait, WHAT?! OK, that’s the one thing I wasn’t expecting.
I guess it’s not a terrible plot, but it’s so been there-done that you’ll swear you saw this movie a hundred times before, and easily done far better. This movie’s just shy of ninety minutes long, and the first sixty are spent futilely building up tension, because the creature doesn’t even get released until after the first hour. And even at that point, you have to wait another ten minutes or so for it to even DO anything. Maybe I’m exaggerating the times in my mind, but even if I am, I’m sure I’m not off by much.
It's a drinking game, you drink every time you find something cliche in the plot. Everyone loses!
Cast – 3/5
Three words: James Earl Jones. One more word: uhhh…..
OK, I’ll admit the casting isn’t horrible. Most of the actors seem competent, and certainly moreso than you’d expect for a no-budget monster movie from 1982. James Earl Jones is almost always fun to watch, because he’s got some attitude and, well, he’s kind of a dick. So you know that’s gonna be entertaining. When his character first gets introduced, though, I was afraid he was going to do nothing but quote lines from Othello all movie long, but fortunately that abated. Later in the movie, those play quotes even seemed almost appropriate at times!
But that’s about it for the cast. They’re really not bad actors, but they’re just so bland I couldn’t even be bothered to remember their names. No real depth, or edge, or anything. Just some folks out funnin’ in the sun trying to figure out what’s wrong with the lead’s crazy sister. You could sure do worse, but there’s not a lot here outside of Lord Vader to keep you honestly interested.
Hang five!
Special Effects & Cinematography – 2/5
Ugh…I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a crappier looking monster! This may be the cheesiest dragon-guy mask ever used in an ostensibly serious movie. It’s actually a good thing you barely ever see this goofy rubber atrocity, and that when you do see it, it’s usually shaking back and forth like a dog with a bone or obscured by some blood effects stolen directly from Jaws. I would find a goldfish more viscerally horrifying. Everything else is so ehhh I can’t even get worked up enough to rant about it.
Awww....puppy wants to play fetch!
Popcorn Factor – 2/5
Like I said, nothing to see here. Nothing happens throughout most of the movie, and when it does, you’ve got shaky cam crapfest shots that annoy you more than disturb or terrify you. In fact, nothing in this movie is going to scare or disturb even a small child, unless it’s James Earl Jones being a badass. He’s really about the only thing this movie’s got that sets it apart from every other snorror movie featuring a half-baked mythological setup for a weeny monster that gets maybe a minute and a half of screentime. Avoid this movie unless you find doing a crossword puzzle too heart-pumping to handle.