C.H.U.D. (1984)
“But Oz,” I hear you all saying (don’t lie, you’re totally saying it), “why don’t you do REAL movies? Like, American movies that don’t suck? Do you hate America?” My answer to this question, ye doubters, I do not hate America. As proof: a review of low-budget-but-you-know-you-remember-seeing-it-in-a-video-store-or-maybe-on-basic-cable-classic C.H.U.D. It’s like Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan only without all the suck.
An ALLEY? Oh god no, tell me I didn't put "The Ghouls" in by accident!
Premise: 3/5
When I was watching the cinematic abortion that is The Ghouls it never once occurred to me that THIS is the movie it wanted to be. I thought it was just a movie that wanted to cause intense physical suffering and mental asphyxiation to anyone making the tragic mistake of trying to watch it. Fortunately, despite reminding me uncomfortably of The Ghouls, C.H.U.D. is worthy of every fond memory I have of it.
The plot? Not much to speak of. It’s the ‘80s, so you’ve gotta have nuclear waste in the movie, and the requisite evil government-type guys are trying desperately to keep their latest environmental travesty under wraps. Meanwhile, the homeless people who hang out in the sewers and tunnels under the city have started disappearing, but no one really cares until surface folk start vanishing in that neighborhood too. It’s fairly standard fare for a monster flick, but what sets this apart is the diverse cast of characters who find themselves in an unlikely alliance to try and stop the (OMG SPOILERZ!) Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers from eating their way through New York City’s populace.
"Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay god"
Cast: 4/5
It’s weird, for a change I actually really like most of the main characters in this flick—weird since most of ‘em aren’t exactly professional actors, or at least probably weren’t when this movie was made. There’s John Heard, who plays photographer George Cooper, who recently got pretty famous for a photo editorial about the “mole people” in New York City and his girlfriend/fiancée Lauren Daniels (played by Kim Griest). I’m not really sure why these characters were in the movie, honestly, since they don’t do too much. I suppose the goal is to add a more human element (George is an artist who wants to do something relevant, and his girlfriend is pregnant—what bad timing for a C.H.U.D. invasion!), and for what purpose they serve, they’re good.
Next we have Christopher Curry, who plays Captain Bosch, the guy the evil suits keep trying to get to back off on all those missing persons cases. He has the most believable story arc 180 (well, maybe more like 160), going from being basically a stuffed shirt yes-man for them government bastards to the no-bullshit take the fight below the streets defender of the public (without all the bluster and hamming you’d expect from such a thing) in a nice early reveal about the first victim we see get taken down by the C.H.U.D. He does a good job and is pretty likeable once you get past the bad ‘stache.
And finally there’s “Reverend A.J.,” played by Daniel Stern. He’s probably the most stereotypical hero of the bunch, an underground saint who got busted by Bosch some years ago (for what we never find out), reformed his life, and opened a soup kitchen for the homeless. Despite all these cliché characters, they were still somehow handled pretty deftly—I mean, I acknowledge the cliché stereotypes they all represent, but at the same time I never felt like it was a cop out or character shortcut and they all felt fairly believable to me. I wish I could say the same for Mr. EvilSuit himself, George Martin, who played the shady government bastard Wilson who is struggling to keep the coverup covered-up. His acting would best be described as “lifeless,” and, “crazy bad” during the climax. I never believed anything that came out of his mouth (notwithstanding the fact that he was Mr. EvilSuit) in terms of dialogue, and just wish they could’ve gotten someone at least vaguely more convincing or sinister to play this role.
This is what Fu Schnickens did the last time we tried getting an official Meadhall pet.
Technical: 2.5/5
I’m a little torn on what to give this category. The shots are pretty good, with a great eye for getting the dirtiness and grubbiness of the setting to come through. The way the movie is cut keeps the pace moving along briskly the whole time, and I never once got bored, even when nothing monster-related was happening. The gore is also nicely done, but except for the one C.H.U.D. that gets decapitated by a sword near the end of the movie, the monsters all look kinda crappy. I mean, rubber-suit monsters were never really my thing, and in a monster movie like this the suit’s all-important. Whether the monsters have a cool design or not is often hard to tell because of how generally shabby the suits look, and don’t get me started on how cheap the monster claws are. On the other hand, I think a chick with a sword (it’s been hanging on the apartment wall all movie long, so you knew someone was gonna be swinging it around later) decapitating a C.H.U.D. merits at least another half point. There was definitely a lot of creativity in mind here that I think the budget may not have been prepared to cover.
espite really giving it his all, CHUD just can't hit those high notes.
Popcorn Factor: 4/5
To me, this is the epitome of a great cult classic for horror fans. The movie straddles the line between camp and horror really well, and it really does feel like this was a labor of love for all involved. It’s got a fun pace, good characters (and pretty snappy dialogue at times, too!), an entertaining though cliché plot, and is just a blast if you try not to take it too seriously. I may be a little lost on why, when her shower clogs up, Lauren’s probing into the drain with an unfolded hanger results in an explosion of blood all over the place, but I pretty much don’t care either. It’s fucking funny, and that’s worth it all by itself. I’d recommend this to anyone with a taste for what horror used to be in the ‘80s, before all the insufferable Freddy and Jason sequels started screwing everything up.