I stared at the paper, rolling its question over and over again in my head: “How would you describe yourself?”

A foul odor pervades the air. Have they invented smellavision? No…I am merely watching “reality television,” and my agile brain is filling in the blanks.

I’m building a time machine.

Beer is bringing me closer to God.

It’s really hard to get past Alexander’s whole world-conquering success story when you’re barely employed and deep in debt after four years of college. I couldn’t even conquer my nail-biting habit. I couldn’t conquer my craving for Wendy’s Classic Triple. But that was all before…before I killed God.

I arrived in Earth’s distant past. Quickly, I set to work finding the earliest humans. It wasn’t hard. They were the only creatures in the forest saying “Ugh! Ugh!” and dancing around a fire.

I wondered if Self had been toking up a little too much. It’s hard to trust Self when Self is, even now, bobbing on the high seas of mind-altering substances. I hope I don’t end up like Self, I thought.

Oh, those wacky Ohio voters. Apparently the only people who vote in Ohio are self-righteous Christians and self-righteous old-as-fuck people who don’t leave their homes except to vote. Here’s some shit they continue to stir up in my home state:

At some point, I had to see the future. I mean, what good is a time machine if the only thing I use it for is trying to rewrite history and exploiting hippies?