Halloween Horrorama IV: Horrorama in Space (2007)
This is the year where we tell you how bad Uwe Boll is. It’s too bad you already learned this the hard way in 2005. Hope your eyeballs were under warranty.
Demons (1985)
Halloween Horrorama 2007 begins. The best place to start the season off right? Turns out it’s Italy. Logic is for the weak!
Beneath Loch Ness (2001)
What would happen if Jaws was, like, sixty feet long, and like, didn’t do much? You’d get this movie.
The Visitation (2006)
A number of mysterious visions, healings, and encounters herald the arrival of Brandon Nichols. He’s got a healing hand and some nasty wrist scars that all point to him being the second coming. Unless, of course, you’re Travis Jordan, the cliched “priest who lost his faith when his wife was murdered.” I find this cliché forgivable in light of the rest of the plot, which is an excellent blend of mystery, suspense, and supernatural horror.
Demons 2 (1986)
When sequels go “blah.”
The Church (1989)
30 Days of Night (2007)
A (semi) new twist on an old genre. Is the vampire horror movie back? And hey, hold the side of Anne Rice.
The Bagman (2002)
A throwback to the old-school slasher with all the budget and quality you’ve come to expect of a video on YouTube.
BloodRayne (2005)
Uwe Boll takes another stab at being this generation’s Ed Wood in yet another video game movie. Maybe one day he’ll actually succeed, but until that day comes, “enjoy” this instead.
Zombie 5: Killing Birds (1987)
Another in the long and storied “Zombie” franchise. I’d like to say this is the worst of them all, but I’m seriously afraid I’ll find a Zombie 6 or 7 somewhere out there that will destroy me once and for all.
Alone in the Dark (2005)
Oh god I watched it. Yes, it’s true I watched it. All of the way through. It’s Scooby Doo meets Van Wilder, wrapped up with a nice little ball of what-the-fuck.