Halloween Horrorama V: The Hallowarriors (2008)
Horrorama drags on through November, threatening to devour Thanksgiving in its bloody path of destruction. Formed to stop the horror, the Hallowarriors unwittingly become pawns in its brutal lust for death.
So you’re looking for a house, huh? Well, in today’s market you have to take what you can get, what with loans being so hard to come by…ah, I see you’ve noticed the ghosts covering every inch of the place. Well, sorry, you can’t walk away from this one–the undead are a lot like pornstars’ [...]
A Thai revenge tale lacking a lot of revenge. But when the revenge starts coming? It’s like a Gallagher show in here, man. Bring a tarp.
It’s harvest season for the website.You are all revelling at the great feasting-table at the heart of the Meadhall, celebrating this hallowed month and its bounteous bad movies. The sugary drink gradually loosens your tongues and drunken singing flies up the ancient walls into the vaulted darkness above. Rings and torques reward priceless fealty amid platters of roast duck and sleek gravyboats. Your stupor smiles out from your wine-slackened mouths. How could this grand gala be surprassed?
Out of befuddled annoyance your heads loll upward at new noise, a skittering, now a pounding, from the hidden rafters overhead. Your hard-won torpor quickly compacts into a spike of alarm as a grotesque shadow quits the o’erhanging shadows and dives clear down onto the table! THUMP! Under an incredible strain, the table holds as the shape hunches its way to the center of the grand spread–what is the thing? an ape? a demon? ape-demon? No, that’s stupid. But something waaaytoo big for a normal size!
Contemptuous, curiously ageless eyes peer redly from its horrible face as it addresses the Comitatus:
“But Oz,” I hear you all saying (don’t lie, you’re totally saying it), “why don’t you do REAL movies? Like, American movies that don’t suck? Do you hate America?” My answer to this question, ye doubters, I do not hate America. As proof: a review of low-budget-but-you-know-you-remember-seeing-it-in-a-video-store-or-maybe-on-basic-cable-classic “C.H.U.D.” It’s like “Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan” only without all the suck.
More witches, more T & A. It’s really not as good as you may think.
I knew going into this that David “Naked Lunch” Cronenberg was going to serve me up some oddly-paced weirdness with just enough exposition to be understandable to those of us with slightly sub-genius IQs. Well, he served it up, and he served it raw. Heavy on plot, low on character, Scanners is like a steak without a potato.
The herding tribes of the tundras call him Foal Stricken, a formless terror that blights their livestock and fertile women. Here in the castle we don’t so much have heaps of that good stuff as we have the fealty of our battle-brothers, who the monster had so recently predated upon. In search of him I went, probing the stankiest and jankiest rafter shadows. A eye-blearing smell from the last corner assaulted me, and deep therein, his Mars-touched eyes shuddered open.
They have ETERNITY to bore your flesh!
Do you like movies about insufferable students going on vacations? Bad ones, that usually end up with everyone dead and eaten? I have just the movie that you won’t want to see!
October 20, 2008: Adult Swim’s Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim, creators of Tom Goes to the Mayor and Tim and Eric’s Awesome Show Great Job! are confirmed today as being in excellent health and good spirits.