Having recovered admirably from my encounter with the blue van, I find myself again asking important questions about our society. Having been born into a nation that, despite the largely Deist notions of its Founders, insists on claiming it was founded on Christian ideals, I find that ever-increasingly Christian hogwash and political posturing are wasting my tax dollars and dilluting my rights. You can take Bush creating a special “cabinet-level” Import Safety Panel to look like he’s doing something about unsafe imports (instead of fixing the bureaucracy that already oversees imports) as one example. Or you could take the whole fucking state of Ohio.

Oh, those wacky Ohio voters. Apparently the only people who vote in Ohio are self-righteous Christians and self-righteous old-as-fuck people who don’t leave their homes except to vote. Here’s some shit they continue to stir up in my home state:

Smoking Ban
So you’re a smoker. Your life is probably pretty rough, as are the lives of most working men and women. You need something to help mellow you out, to keep you from ripping Frida’s shitty hair extensions off and beating her with them. That’s what cigs are for, and you’re a fucking connoiseur. Oh, no, you don’t smoke Marlboros. You need Camel Signature Blend Frost, or perhaps Benson and Hedges because you’re an elite smoker. Either way, you were too busy smoking to vote down the shittiest law ever, the smoking ban in all Ohio busniesses.

Now, you walk into an Eat’n’Park at 1 in the morning and there’s a quarter of the people there that you used to see. Bars are closing. I was handed a business card by a stripper because they’re hurting for customers. Yes, the strip club is losing customers because more than jiggling jugs, a smoker needs nicotine. Maybe this was part of self-righteous Christian Ohio’s attack on gentlemen’s clubs, an attack which escalates to…

The Six Foot Rule
Strppers in Ohio now have to remain six feet from patrons. Let me repeat that. Strippers now have to remain six feet from patrons. That means no more lap dances. On top of that, they’ll have to be fully clothed by midnight. Shit, you thought the night life in Ohio blew already.

Frankly, it’s bad enough that prostitution is illegal. The second golden rule should be “Do not make illegal that which is legal to do for free.” At any rate, strippers (and hookers) provide a useful function in our society. They prevent our young men from becoming suicide bombers. I don’t think you need me to extrapolate, but the Middle East is full of sexually suppressed males with the odds in the favor of the multiple-wife elite. There’s an excellent study on rats by John Calhoun that may corroborate this, but I’m too cheap to purchase the full text.

At any rate, would you rather let strippers do their thing, or support them via welfare? I’d rather let them work for the money. Seems some nutless eunichs in Ohio disagree. Time to rock the vote, mother-bitches.

Gambling Laws
The former governor of Ohio, Bob Taft, repeatedly threatened to veto any measure that would legalize gambling in the state of Ohio. The current governor of Ohio, Ted Strickland, says that gambling is “a menace to society, deadly to the best interests of moral, social, economic, and spiritual life, and destructive of good government.” Meanwhile, the Ohio Lottery has expanded to Sunday drawings, has midday and evening drawings, and our money is pouring into neighboring West Virginia and Pennsylvania where gambling has been legalized.

The economy in Ohio is so bad that people are willing to throw their spare dollars at the chance to win enough money to move away from here. They might as well. Instead of changing laws to make it easier to close up crackhouses, they’d rather remove the “vices” (freedoms) of law-abiding citizens.

Is there anyway to combat this backhanded Christengineering of our society? Yes. But to do it, you must summon beings from the darker planes of existence. This can be done using a Wendy’s Baconator, and in chapter 8, I will show you how.