I know what you’re thinking: didn’t Oz do this movie some unfathomably distant past? Like, prehistory? Nope, it just seems like I did. This movie came 10 years late to the party and was just another in the venerable (?) “holiday of death” family.

Premise: 2/5

Nothing spells "soul-shattering terror" like '80s blood graphics in your movie title.

The tagline really says it all: “You’ve made it through Halloween, now try and survive Christmas.” At least the movie’s upfront about it’s post-”Friday the 13th” yawnslasher nature. I usually avoid these flicks on principle, since too often it’s seen one, seen ’em all. What sets this one slightly apart from many of them is the almost-logical reason for the killer’s snapping and the fact that you stay with him throughout most of the movie, and not the unfortunate folks he’s going to stalk and kill.

Oh, the “killer origin”? You’re gonna like this for twisted: when Billy Chapman was really young, about 6 or 7 I guess, his parents had the super-great idea to take him to see his grampa in a mental institution. It’s not as bad as it sounds, though, since Gramps, other than looking creepy, only seems to be completely catatonic–well, until his parents leave Billy alone to go sign some papers or something. Then the loony grabs Billy’s shoulder and pretty much THREATENS him with Santa Claus, saying that the jolly old fat man only gives presents to the absolutely, positively, one hundred percent good children–he PUNISHES the ones who haven’t been perfect angels. Of course, crazy granddad immediately goes back to acting catatonic once mom and dad are done doing whatever they were doing in the other room. Nonetheless, Billy remains completely freaked out and has a dread of Santa. This only gets worse on the ride home, when his parents stop to pick up a hitcher dressed as Santa who ends up shooting his dad and trying to rape his mom before slitting her throat. Merry friggin’ Christmas, kiddo!

Try to guess which one of these two just pooped themselves.

Naturally, Billy’s gravely afraid of Santa Claus from that day forward, and of course the orphanage he ends up in, being run by nuns, is heavy into concepts of “naughty” behavior being PUNISHED. And naturally he also quickly learns that sex is naughty and people having it should be PUNISHED. All the same, he’s sort of making a life for himself despite the rather shitty childhood. When the movie picks back up, Billy’s just turned 18 and gotten himself his first job at a toy store. The bad news, for all involved, is that the guy the toy store hired to play Santa busted his ankle skating, and there’s only one guy the boss can think of to fill the fatman’s shoes. You may suspect that this won’t end well, and you would be right. After Billy somehow survived the worst day ever playing the feared and reviled St. Nick, he then has to go to the worst Christmas party ever still dressed up. His boss gets him wasted (Billy’s never had a drop in his life before) and Billy finds the girl he’s got a crush on making time with a prick he used to work under in the stockroom. It just gets worse when he wanders into the stockroom after them later to find said prick attempting to rape his almost-girlfriend. Flashbacks to all the great times he had that fateful Christmas night so long ago come back to him, and he loses it. Violence ensues.

Cast: 3/5

Santa gettin' his game on.

Most of the points in this category come from Robert Brian Wilson, who plays grown up psychopath Billy. He’s more believable than most serial slashers in these types of movies, but when he turns on the crazy his thousand-mile stare is better another shoddy attempt at a scary mask. It’s definitely unusual that the movie gives him so much face time to act “normal” before he goes on a killing spree, and it does make him a more interesting character as a result. He actually seems to be a pretty good actor, which is quite a shock! The two other main characters, Mother Superior of the orphanage (Lilyan Chauvin) and Sister Margaret (Gilmer McCormick) the nun who was actually, dare I say, NICE are both good as well. Most everyone else is fodder, which suits the movie fine.

Technical: 2/5

Big kudos to the people who managed to make Christmas songs creepy–the idea of Santa seeing you when you’re naughty is a cute thing to keep your kids in check, but when the Santa in question is holding a big bloody fire axe and staring you down, it goes to a whole new level. The gore effects are pretty good, too–replete with the unusual item impalements and visceral splashes of butchery you’ve come to expect from these movies. Other than those couple things, though, there’s not a lot to recommend this movie in the tech department. The film quality occasionally goes to shit, which actually really harms a couple otherwise cool murder scenes, and sometimes the camera just doesn’t know where to look and comes off a bit amateur. Nothing critically bad to speak of, just nothing all that great either.

Popcorn Factor: 3/5

Not bad as far as deaths go, still I can't help thinking I've seen it done better somewhere else . . .

This movie is pretty sick, frankly, and I love that. It’s not the body count or just-passable story that does it for me, it’s the idea of taking this jovial family-friendly icon and turning him into a homicidal maniac. It’s not played for laughs, fortunately, but I think there’s a blackly morbid sense of humor pervading the movie all the same without being too overt. Seriously–the Santa suit killer in the opening act of the movie would be twisted enough, but there’s also two different occasions where people in Santa costumes are shot dead in front of a group of probably twenty kids who really think it’s Santa coming to visit. Think of how INSANE that is and you’ll get an idea of why I can’t rank this any lower on the popcorn scale. Also, there’s a borderline-hilarious scene with a sledder being decapitated riding downhill that’s sorta priceless in its own right. And you will be in awe when murderous Santa gives a present to a little girl he finds in a house he just murdered a couple of people in: a bloody box cutter he slashed the hell out of someone with.

Do you need to see this movie? Not really. Should you? Again, not really. It’s a
n OK way to pass the time but it’s not amazing. Still, if you chance on it and stick around for a bit this movie probably won’t kill you. Unless you’ve been NAUGHTY.