Dear President Bush,

I, as a red-blooded American citizen, am writing you a letter to air my grievances. Of the long list I could enumerate, I shall focus on a singular complaint that has no peer in the annals of Presidential history. Specifically, your announcement the other day that the highlight of you tenure in office has been catching a 7lb large-mouth bass.

In these troubled times it does much to hurt our credibility on the international stage to have a leader so incompetent with a rod and reel. When I have ever caught such a small fish I quickly released it to spare myself embarrassment in front of my fellow fishermen.

You have chosen the opposite course, one devoid of reason, decency, and respect for your fellow Americans. Sir, I question your sanity. To think if the President of France were to display such a reckless rashness by proudly showing his countrymen some mackerel of only 3 and a half kilograms. Surely the streets of Paris would be aflame for reasons other than racism.

Could not those oafs at the Department of Fish and Game gathered some credible intelligence on prime fishing holes? No, it appears you prefer to charge boldly forward into the dark waters of ignorance and futility.

Had the voting public known what you would do once at the helm of the ship of state and given live bait, I doubt you would be in office today. Now we are mired in a quag, forced to make apologies to our foreign friends for your woeful lack of angling skill.

If we have learned anything from the Clinton administration, it is that oral prevarications are not only needed at times, but should be encouraged to spare the dignity of the nation. And when next you do lie to the citizenry, please do so about the size of the fish and not some more trifling matter of state.

Yours truly,
Captain Alan Smithee

P.S.: When you say “it was this big”, for God’s sake keep your hands at least three feet apart.