“The Temptation of St. R. S. James”

Entry 7:

Three orbs floated in the endless blackness of the background. Throngs of people crawled about them and also on a fourth orb which was in the foreground. Volcanoes exploded hurling bodies in the air, lava burned skins, and demons savaged all in reach. Oh, and everyone was naked.

That is roughly what Domenicus Van Wijnen painted and called “The Temptation of St. Anthony”. I saw said painting in the National Gallery of Ireland which is located in Dublin. I don’t know anything about St. Anthony, but what I do know is what I saw in that paint wasn’t very tempting. Who would want to be sitting naked on an orb waiting for their chance at a communal lava shower? Either Van Wijnen or St. Anthony was sick and twisted, maybe they both were.

In any case the painting was a lot more interesting than the scores of van Dyke and company portraits surrounding it. They all had titles like: “A Gentleman”, “A Maid”, “Boy with Dog”. Looking at these portraits is like looking at a random person’s amateur family photographs and commenting on the composition or mise-en-scene. “Clearly that Aunt Sally is a genius. Just look at the way she captured the spirit of that young boy and dog posing at their family reunion. Is that a card table in the background? By George I think it is! Pure genius.” Or, genuinely boring. I’ll be on the next Dada-Train to Surrealism where at least the boys and dogs have their watches melting.

So what if all I did was paper clip a postcard to my note book and add a title. It’s modern art. More importantly there is no lava or demons maiming people. In fact I didn’t see a single demonic visage or nude soul writhing in agony the entire time I was at the Guinness factory. I’m sure Shakespeare would have rather had a Guinness than visit the National Gallery of Ireland. In your eye Van Wijnen, van Dyke, and all the rest of you double-plus-un-good painters.