Fu Speaks: The Strangers (2008)
[Editors note: Fu Schnickens sent me this review, along with various threatening gestures and a demand that I dual-review it with him. I figured I’d let him do most of the heavy lifting on this one. I saw the movie too, but he’s been living in our rafters pretty much rent-free for years, it’s about time he contributed something more than another dead traveller and gratuitous bodily waste. I mean, we have to get these illegal aliens to come in and clean up the place, and then he eats THEM. It’s a vicious cycle, so I think it’s about time he gave something back. His "computer" is really more of a "breaking wheel" that he uses when he’s chosen an innocent ceorl to keep around for laughs, so the pics and captions are mine.]
This is a good approximation of the look on my face after the 800th time I heard a loud and allegedly terrifying bang in this movie
I knew I’d end up watching this from the damn scary previews back in August [Ed.--bastard gets free cable from us, too!]. But the reality was almost too disappointing for me to convey in Schnickensian terms. Honestly it reminds me of the crazy stunts I pulled when I was only 3 Hit Dice old. “In America, violent crimes exist, ” states the cheesy intro, and from there it’s off to Camptown Races, doo-da.
Premise: 2/5
A human couple returns to a summer cottage after a wedding reception, during which James (Speedman) had proposed marriage and gotten shot clean out of the saddle by Kristen (Tyler). This adds some interest to what could have been a boring honeymoon cliche, although the movie staunchly refuses to develop it further. However, Fu was quite amused at how their hot makeup sex was cockblocked–by COLD-BLOODED MURDER.
This film honestly pissed me off with its childish action and contrived writing–nobody *I* ever chase acts that dumb! The horror comes down about a half-hour in, when a masked trio starts messing with Kristen and then James as he returns. “Someone was in here and took my phone! ” she pleads. “Kristen, no one came in here. ” Wtf? Apparently 4am is noon to these people, too, always driving out to get cigs and pick up their buddies. Rather than feature anything actually scary, the movie endlessly leans on Scooby-Doo bullshit that comes in two flavors:
- “What was THAT noise??? “
- *Character turns around but nobody’s there!!*
Look! It's Liv Tyler looking scared in a house! This is DEFINITELY enough to hang a movie on! Let's film exactly this for another hour!
Long, long after the house has been established as the movie’s killzone, James keeps leaving Kristen there, just as she keeps limping off and returning to it. No one ever makes a serious run for it or hears their pursuers walking up behind them. As for the psychos, they are just pathetic, shadowing their marks for minutes only so they can tap them on the shoulder and then vanish. The characters’ every attempt to escape or defend themselves is effortlessly defeated–they don’t even put a scratch on the trio. Without any element of hope, the suspense is largely lost, as well as my fiendish delight for cat-and-mouse.
[Fu makes some solid points, and for my 2 cents I’d like to point out that right off the bat the movie tells you that Kristen and James aren’t going to survive. OMG SPOILERZ! While that theoretically COULD have helped create a sense of tragic inevitability about watching their final night alive, they don’t have enough depth as characters to make you care one way or the other. While the idea of someone pounding on your door in the middle of the night and psychologically fucking with you is a great concept, there’s just not enough going on to keep you keyed up and, as a result, the movie dies long before James and Kristen do.]
Cast: 3/5
[Oz rates Cast: 1.5/5]
I have to admit, I found the introduction’s romantic subplot a LOT more interesting than the tag-you’re-it nonsense that Strangers fast degenerates into. It’s a minimal cast, but Tyler and Speedman make convincingly angsty lovers, if not survivor types. Too bad their backgrounds are abandoned as soon as the thumping starts; the couple repeatedly splits up throughout the night, ensuring they’ll never grow closer or three-dimensional. The masked killers and their antics get boring quickly as they loom in the background of every shot, then vanish as the suspense peaks yet again. With few spoken lines, they’re not big on body language either, past the occasional cock of the head *cough, Michael Myers cough*).
I guess this is an action scene. Or a "doggy want a bone" joke waiting to happen.
Turns out that the two girl killers are played by supermodels. Oh no! Won’t you please SAVE us? From all the HOTTIE?
[I didn’t know who Scott Speedman was, honestly I still basically don’t--I figured he was some post-teen heartthrob or another, but I guess I was wrong. Either way, I dub him Count Blandula. I didn’t hate him in the role, but he really did nothing all that interesting. I didn’t even think he was a convincing moper after the engagement shutdown, and his heroics and "grief" acting just looked straight amateur. Liv Tyler is pretty good at looking scared and miserable, which is fortunate because that’s basically all she ever does ever. The big FUCK YOU goes to the titular (huh huh, "tit") "Strangers," every last one of them a cosmically poor imitation of Michael Myers, who always had a presence and character even when he mostly just stood around stabbing people. These allegedly scary wankers fail to do anything that feels scary or menacing. I know I’m supposed to be scared one of those times when they rip off that scene from Halloween that has Myers almost materializing from the darkness behind a terrified Jamie Lee Curtis. These Strangers do this no less than 3 times, and probably significantly more than that, but they just don’t sell me. It’s not scary, it’s just someone moving. And giving dialogue, even just a couple sedated (I’m sorry: "scary") deliveries from the one chick was a retarded decision, because instead of making me go "OMG I’M SCARED ’CUZ THIS IS SO RANDOM!" I was more like "someone just shut that bitch up already."]
Technical/FX: 2/5
I can’t recall if there was a score to the film aside from the country-music records, but if there was, it was unimpressive. Instead, there are continual rattling, banging noises that are far overused; go on, jangle my nerves, but don’t be surprised to find I don’t respond the 20th time.
There are some impressive panoramas of the front lawn and the trees, but the inside shots are tedious and lack any dynamics past masked onlookers. A first-person POV was badly needed throughout the action since Tyler is forever looking out of windows, and the director’s shots lack immersion and are infrequently used. There’s precious little actual violence, either, outside of a head fulla shot and a bitchin’ surprise takedown from Mr. Masko. Yawn…such a sparse movie.
[Again, I concur with the local boogeyman. Mostly the FX are all about HEARING LOUD NOISES suddenly and COMPLETELY UNEXPECTEDLY except for that IT HAPPENS like EVERY five MINUTES. There's not even much gore, one cap busted in a guy's head and a couple really uninspired stabbings that would almost be enough to cause Michael Myers to call them "n00bs" shortly before killing them in a much, much cooler way. Bottom line is all I could keep thinking about while watching this movie is how much better it was 30 years ago when it was called "Halloween" and didn't suck.]
Fu(n) Factor: 2/5
[Oz rates it a 1/5]
She may look like she's screaming in pain, but trust me, she's just yawning.
It ain’t scary, it ain’t original, and it sure ain’t fun. The only thing keeping Strangers from being a slow-mo snuff film is its purely playground intensity. The movie’s just too stingy to grant whatever you’re looking for. You’ll be sick of the whole thing in under an hour. Wow, just like me!
In the DVD’s “Making Of,” special feature, the movie’s production designer claims that Strangers is a nuanced “terror film” as opposed to horror, and further bleats: “I think this is an absolutely new approach to the genre.” Oh fuck off, man, just because you and the director picked out all the countertops and wallpaper together does NOT mean you achieved anything here. I wouldn’t even try scaring my chick with your movie, mostly because my chick lairs on top of Blood Mountain and daily wrings its river of gore from the 3,000-ft serpent. You mortals are killin’ me with this.
[This movie is like a joke without a punchline. If it's trying to bring home the terror that I could be the victim of random violence or cruelty, it would probably help if these I guess "normal" people under the mask didn't all have Michael Myers' skillset of "materializing out of nowhere," "disappearing into nowhere," and "wearing cheap masks" and "bullet resistance." I didn't feel any reality in this movie, and I certainly didn't feel any terror or suspense since they told you the ending at THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE. I can only see this movie scaring preteens and early adolescents who have never seen a horror movie (including "Psycho") ever, and I don't see why anyone outside that demographic would even want to waste their time with this long crawl to nowhere.
I now say a ridiculously sarcastic "Thank YOU" to Fu Schnickens for bringing this movie into my life. I hope you're happy, you bastard.]