Blood Sabbath (1972)
Ahh, the black arts. Withcraft, blood sacrifices, limitless possibilities. So what did I get this time? Pr0n. Again. It’s like a flashback that has acid flashbacks in it!
This is as intense as our war vet ever gets. A temper tantrum.
Premise: 1/5
The plot has something to do with maybe the pussiest Vietnam vet ever getting molested by a bunch of naked women after taking a nap while he’s just out roaming somewhere. Like any red-blooded American who wakes up in a full lip-lock with a naked chick while others are rubbing their not-inconsiderable b3wbage all over him he . . . runs away? At some point he ends up at a lake, finds some other chick who has a nice rack (although she keeps it sheathed the whole time) and then later ends up hanging out with some scraggly old dude and then they go see a mariachi band. There’s something about witchcraft in here too, but you won’t notice until the end, and by that point you won’t even care. A couple folks die, the Vietnam vet gives up his soul so he can shag his lady in the water that he found, and some other nonsensical shit happens. None of it ever becomes coherent, so you might as well just fast-forward to the next scene with ta-tas and full frontal nudity in it (for what it’s worth, you won’t have to fast-forward for long). Oh yeah, and then the vet gets run over by a hippy van at the end.
I *think* the movie’s trying to be metaphysical in places, with a couple weird echoes of Incubus, and the vet has a couple flashbacks that are, I think, supposed to be in some way related to what’s happening in the movie but you will never understand what or why.
Allota's favorite cosplay is Wonder Woman.
Cast: 2/5
There was no acting in this movie, whatsoever. If you thought that Luke Skywalker was entirely too macho for you, let me introduce you to David (played by Anthony Geary), our absolute wuss of a Vietnam vet. Mostly he spends time whining and walking around looking for Yyalah and her hooters (both played by Susan Damante-Shaw), some kind of vapid water nymph or something who spends most of her time doing nothing that might be construed as interesting, but David’s totally into her for some reason. There’s also a gaggle of naked chicks who don’t hardly merit names that dance around au naturale. Finally there’s Alotta (not lying, that’s really her name) the queen evil witch who has even bigger lady lumps than anyone else in the movie (unless you count David as one big boob, I know I do), but unfortunately for us she also keeps her clothes mostly on. Apparently she wants David for her boytoy, but I, again, have no idea why.
Honestly, I’m sort of wasting both your time and my own talking about these people. So why 2 points? It’s symbolic of the number of jiggly bits every girl in this movie has.
AGH! Capn' Crunch really does cut the roof of your mouth! Dammit!
Technical: 1/5
What an awful mess of a movie. Nobody does anything logical, ever, nor does anything unexpected or remotely engaging ever happen. David walks around, he talks to an old guy, he starts whining for Yyalah, chicks dance around, he talks to an old guy some more, blah blah blah. Somebody gets decapitated later on in the movie, but you never get to see the actual decapitation, just the severed head which, I might add, looks nothing like the guy it was purportedly removed from. There’s really bad psychedelic music and visual effects sometimes in the movie (if you count playing a negative exposure as trippy, I guess) while nakedness fills the woods, and then the movie just sort of ends, with no real sense of closure or connection to the rest of the last hour and twenty you wasted. There’s almost no effort to ever try to build suspense or horror, but seemingly a lot of effort into making David look like even more of a little bitch and confuse you with apparently relevant plot points that never really work or enhance your understanding of what has been going on all movie long. Basically, special effects consist of crappy fake blood, the aforementioned severed head, a whole lot of naked girls, and a fog machine. That’s pretty much it.
True story: this movie was originally going to be called "Naughty Hamlet." (That is a lie.)
Popcorn Factor: 1/5
No. This movie is not any more enjoyable than spending an hour and a half looking for naked Tila Tequila pictures or elf porn. You will waste your time, and get nothing in return. Avoid it, but if you simply MUST watch a crappy witchcraft porn movie, you’d do better with that other one about naked witches I did last year. You won’t be too entertained by that either, but this is much worse in terms of aborted attempts at metaphysical crap and possibly some commentary on the Vietnam War that doesn’t tell you anything other than that this movie is very bad and boring. If the war flashbacks aren’t pretentious attempts to be bold, then they must exist solely because the boobs per minute quota had already been exceeded. And that STILL isn’t as fun as it sounds.
Mother do you think they'll drop the bomb?