Yo. Cow Pie here. Standin’ ’round watching Apple Pie and Pear Pie preen like a pair of prom queens. Some pies are too pretty to be hard. That’s where Cow Pie steps in.

Do I need to eat your dog to get your attention? Fuck no, I’m on your shoe already. Yeah, and your dog likes it. Look at him licking your Nikes. Sick mutha, your dog, and I don’t mind saying that to your face when you chance to slip and land on me.

Do I have to spell it out? Anyone who smells me DIES. Sometimes immediately, sometimes in 1 to 90 years, but they ALWAYS die. You going to be praying to Apple Pie when the Reaper comes calling? Or will your bowels relax, and your last thought is Hey, that reminds me of Cow Pie. Damn straight.

9 out of 10 flies prefer Cow Pie to Apple Pie or Pear Pie. I’m just sayin’ is all. They think their shit don’t stink. Maybe that’s their problem.

Yeah, so while you’re watching Blade and trying to figure out if Frost made a thematic faux paus in calling the “Blood God” an “act of God,” I’m spreading like a fucking eclipse on a cornfield. Think you should be afraid? Think I care? Why should I? I got all the respect I need, and you’re standing in it.