Welcome to the very second installment of Hollywood Hackery. Here you are, a hardworking liquor conglomerate ready to sell your opiate to the masses, but you find your product lacking the kind of vital appeal you can only get from a desperately adorable dipsomaniacal mascot. No worries! by the time we’re done you’ll have hooked a whole generation on flushing their money quite literally down the toilet.

 Step 1: Legitimize Desperation.

Okay, you’ve got an incredibly addictive product and an eager consumer base (read: drunks). However, your audience still needs a bit of a nudge here due to the double standard of drinking as being either a totally okay social activity or a totally pathetic antisocial character flaw. This is where your hardworking marketing consultants have to step up by fashioning you a devil-may-care, hard-partying, slightly effeminate liquor mascot.

Like this lovable fop!

This is Tony Sinclair, and he’s suavely crashed the party to let everyone know that Tanqueray gin is not only a great way to get fucked up, it’s also just gotten sophisticated. Yes, it turns out that the height of cultural and manly suaveness is a permasmirking metrosexual hellbent on turning everyone in the posh dorm into that guy and that girl over there. Remember, an effective mascot is not only everyone’s friend, but also their enabler.

Step 2: Renal Failure = Sexy Fun Times!!

Look, everyone knows you’re selling them poison, so here’s how you make your buck–convince them that this is the kind of self-destructive behavior that will get them laid. Now don’t let yourself feel bad here because science has your back–after all, hormones make kids do stupid shit all the time to prove they’ve got the genes it takes to die young…right after getting in Suzy’s pants. You and your mass-produced booze are just helping Nature along, and maybe giving some poor old reject his last chance at recapturing those memories, at least until the next Ladies’ Night rolls around.

The lesson? If you wanna get some ass tonight, start acting like one.

Step 3: Enjoy Only In Moderation. Haha, Suckers.

The best thing about temptation is that everyone thinks they’re above it, and a whole two hours later they’re on YouTube marrying the dehumidifier. So make sure your drunkpuppet warns everyone with a wry grin that your exalted product should only be consumed with the greatest reservation and etiquette. Of course we all know he just means Darryl, who can’t hold his shit ’cause he hates his job, his girlfriend, his new school and pretty much his life. I mean yeah, everyone hates all those things, but Darryl’s the only one ends up sobbing in the laundry hamper over it. Hell yeah I want another drink!

This isn't quite what I looked like after being elected Mayor of my local BW3. MY sash was embroidered with spittle.

Step 4: Demographics Are Everything.

Sorry that wasn’t a funny title, but it’s not a funny truth either. People tend only to unwind with their tribe, it’s just human nature. Show them that their new imaginary friend is knocking back a few cold ones and they’ll be sure to follow suit. See, peer pressure works even without real peers!

I would totally drink with that guy. Wait, we're all that guy.

Step 5: No One Wants To Drink Alone–And Now They Won’t!

It’s good to be the middleman, and that’s exactly what you’ve created with your high-rolling wingman boozehound whiskey shill. However, a truly great mascot has the longevity to make ‘em forget last night for many nights to come. Cheers.

Do it right and they'll start seeing their OWN mascots.