John Carpenter’s Vampires: Los Muertos
Premise:
Some vixen vampire is still after a magical black cross that would allow it to walk in the daylight. Vampire hunters are dispatched and rehashed hijinks ensue.
Derek Bliss is an experienced vampire hunter who is sent off to stop the female vampire. The team he is supposed to recruit is systematically murdered. The team he ends up with blows. He has an ‘infected’ vampire chick with him, that as long as she pops her pills she is fine. There is also a priest, a tough guy, and a scrappy mexican kid.
This group of hunters fights a sexy vampire in a small Mexican town. Some stuff happens that isn’t too interesting and the tough guy dies. Then Derek Bliss decides to stop the magic ceremony, but he surmises that the sexy vampire will hear his heart beat. So he has a blood transfusion with the ‘infected’ girl. This makes him a half vampire and a total dorkus. If the sexy vampire could hear his heart why couldn’t she hear his foot steps?
The hunters win, oh happy day. Derek and his ‘infected’ girl friend ride off into the sunset hoping to score some more drugs so they don’t completely turn.
This movie is a sequel to John Carpenter’s Vampires. The basic plots are very similar.
Gadgets:
In the original John Carpenter’s Vampires, the head vampire hunter had this cool cross bow that shot tethered bolts that were hooked up to a winch. The basic idea was to shoot the baddies then drag them into the light. There was also a big spear and some guns.
In John Carpenter’s Vampires: Los Muertos, the cross bow is replaced with a big spear. The spear is tethered to a winch, but now the winch blows and fails every time they use it. Derek has some fruity looking handgun that is supposed to shoot a small wooden stake. I can’t remember him firing this even once. He also wields a katana that when he uses makes him look like Blade’s functionally retarded cousin. The tough guy has a shot gun that shoots what look like corks, but he claims can actually kill stuff.
The only gadget bright spot is a thermal detecting scope. This device lets Derek spot the baddies, because vampires are colder than other people. I’m sure some other movie did this first, but it was the first time I’ve seen it.
Cinematography:
Bleh..
Special Effects:
If you count making people fly by affixing wires to them well… bleh..
Scenery:
genérico mexican y por lo general bleh..
Cast:
Derek Bliss is played by Jon Bon Jovi. Hot damn, that’s A-list material. Now I know what you are thinking: “But, your eminence Funk, any movie with the Jon Bon Jovi can’t possibly suck.” Well it sucks worse for having him in the cast. Like most everyone else in this delightful picture, he mucks up every single line and has the emotional range of a yam. And no, it doesn’t appear that he had anything to do with the soundtrack. Didn’t he do that song “Shot through the heart”? Goes to show, once-bitten, twice-crappy.
Popcorn Factor:
It is fairly competently done for a straight to video movie and watching it isn’t all that painful. The real reason not to see it is that it is almost the same movie as the original, only the original was ten times better.