Suicide leaves family saddened, suicidal

GUDA, WISCONSIN – “Is Daddy really gone?” little Tommy asked, tears welling up in his innocent eyes.

Yes, Daddy is gone, Tommy. And it’s your fault.

Roger DeCamp was found dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound to his head on Tuesday. His head wound was preceded by several gunshot wounds to his groin. Next to the blood-caked Lay-Z-Boy that held DeCamp’s body was a note.

DeCamp’s wife, Jill, heard the gunshots. She found and read her husband’s final letter with trembling hands.

Dear World,

Today, my family came home from the video store with Barney’s Christmas Star, Gigli, A Diva’s Christmas Carol, and Glitter. I can’t take the risk that my seed may be used to produce more people like them. And after the third bullet, you really can’t feel the hot lead ripping through your crotch, in case you were wondering.

Sorry about the mess,
Roger

Mrs. DeCamp has checked herself into a mental hospital where she has been placed on suicide watch.

Police are still deciding whether to press charges against DeCamp’s wife and son under Wisconsin’s assisted suicide laws.

Man opens ‘Dog Pornography’ Store

PLIMPKIN, OHIO – Otto Dimetrius was a fairly run of the mill car wash attendant, according to his coworkers. Then something happened.

“One day, we came in, and he was ranting about one of them dumb hippie ‘dog restaurants’ they were building out in California,” said Lou Sampson, Dimetrius’s boss. “So I go out to smoke a cig, and when I come back, he’s ranting about those ‘yahoo pet freaks’ and how they’ll buy anything for their poochie.”

That was two weeks ago. Today, Dimetrius opened the first of what he hopes to be many Dog Pornography Mecca parlors.

“Hey, if dogs can eat at restaurants, and dogs can get married, they ought to be able to enjoy a little porno,” Dimetrius explained.

The store stocks various pictures of naked dogs of all shapes and sizes from all over the world.

Some local parents want to put a stop to the store, which they feel is giving children the wrong idea about dogs. City officials, however, can find no statute to close the store down.

“They’re just naked dogs,” sighed city zoning commissioner Pat Mulligan. “Even if Mr. Dimetrius had any ‘hardcore’ dog porn, it’s still questionable as to whether that can be considered pornography, since no people are involved.”

Dimetrius is pleased that his store is safe, but maintains that his wares are 100% porno. “Hey, if it’s a dog, and it’s naked, then it looks like porno to me.”

God makes a big splash in the beer market

DUBLIN, MICHIGAN – Hot off the success of his recent spiritual album I Am Who I Am, the lord Yahweh has entered the hotly contested beverage scene with his new beer, “Placebo Grandé.” The product got off to a tremendous launch, and stockholders are dizzy with excitement.

God was positively beaming with pride at the latest figures, which show an overwhelming majority of people buy into his strange brew.

“Hey, I’m just glad to be able to allay the fears of the confused masses that there really is no point to existing, as well as produce a top notch malt beverage,” said God at yesterday’s press conference.

Professional athletes are falling all over themselves to promote Placebo Grandé. Its slogan: If it doesn’t cure AIDS, double your penis size, and help you lose weight, then it’s probably because you’re a dirty sinner.