Planet X Changes Mind

PLANET X, SOLAR SYSTEM—Earlier today the world-ravaging menace known as Planet X announced that it has post-poned its axis-shifting pass at the Earth “indefinitely.”

“Look, there’s no fun in it if people know you’re coming,” the weary planet lamented, citing numerous fringe group websites that deal with his impending arrival. “Why do you think Jesus hasn’t come back?”

The angry planet, best known for its near-misses with Earth and the cataclysms that result from said near-misses, has vowed to return “when you least expect it!”

Snow may be linked to temperature, study says

A recent study by University of Maryland scientists yields evidence that snow, like rain, is a cloud-born phenomenon and is probably linked to the cold temperatures that often precede snowfall.

Scientists spent five years and $6 billion on the study, which proved conclusively that the frosty flakes were not, as Vatican officials often claim, God’s dandruff.

Clifford breaks wind, kills 10

Clifford the Big Red Dog was put to sleep last night after expelling gas in a crowded classroom full of schoolchildren. 10 children died in the incident, which has legislators crying out for “big dog” legislation to prevent future tragedies.

“He was just so big, and the room was so small. Those poor little kids,” said Alice Woolry, the third grade teacher whose classroom was the target of the gas attack.

“He just stood there smiling and…God, I think he was giggling,” remembers Principal Jacob Hoover, who was also present at the time of the incident.

Animal Control quickly took the dog into custody.

“Clifford went to sleep. He didn’t wake up,” said a somber Nick Howitz, director of animal control, adding, “We totally gassed him. Eye for an eye, baby.”

Cuba Opens Theme Park

HAVANA, CUBA. Cuba, the westernmost wheel on the axis of evil, today opened its theme park, Floridaland. Named for the destination of most Cuban expatriates, Floridaland is a place where weary Cubans can go to enjoy all the comforts of America.

Attractions include the “Crocodile in My Back Yard” ride, the Elian Funhouse with Live Ammunition show, and—every day at noon—the Parade of Elderly White People. Cuban dictator Fidel Castro was the master of ceremonies for the grand opening, which featured an elaborate dance number by the park’s mascots, Senile Old Lady, Armed Street Punk, Drunken Sailor, and Homeless Wino. Cuban officials claim they’ve already seen a significant drop in escape attempts from the island.