Meadhall of the Comitatus

It’s time, at last, to begin my review of the…greatest?…coolest?…ok, most compellingly weird horror movie series of all time. Phantasm is a low budget horror movie by writer/director Don Coscarelli. It explores the pervasive fear we, as humans, have of death and, by extension, funeral homes…and metal spheres that stick in your head and drill all the blood out of you.

The funeral is about to begin, sir.

Premise

The Morningside Funeral Home is more than it seems. The director, known as The Tall Man, is stealing the bodies of the dead to convert into murderous dwarf servants. (I’m going to assume they worship him as a god on account of his height.) Then he can use the dwarf servants to dig up bodies and kill people so he can make more dwarf servants. Then when everyone in the world is dead, well, they go to Planet Dune and stand in line.

A brutal, desolate world where there's only one Best Buy...and every day is Black Friday.

The Cast

We have an unlikely team of heroes against an unlikely foe. First, our heroes:

Mike is a young teenager with problems. His parents are dead. Tommy is dead. He looks like a girl, so he’s probably not about to score any time soon. You’re kind of expecting him to act out, and then he starts reporting some wacky shasta down at the funeral home. He likes motorcycles, working on cars, and stalking his brother. HE FIGHTS CRIME.

This scene is why you were dropped from Phantasm II, dude.

Jody is the big brother. He likes going to funerals, playing guitar, picking up chicks, and apparently lives off an inheritance from his dead parents. HE FIGHTS CRIME.

Reggie is the ic cream man. He drives an ice cream truck. He wears an old-timey outfit. HE FIGHTS CRIME.

Jody and Reggie, the Blues Brothers

And our villain:

The Tall Man is old as dirt, strong as an ox, and really frickin’ tall. Spoiler alert: he likes lemonade.

I'm not sure if this is Angus's "I hate the cold" face or his "I'm getting a blowjob" face.

He has an assortment of silver spheres, called sentinels, that he can direct to hunt down his enemies. Like the hunter-seeker from Dune, the spheres hunt by sensing movement. When they detect it, they extract a pair of blades that allow them to lodge in their victim’s head. Then a drill tip pops out, bores into the skull, and sucks blood through the center like a straw, spraying out the back of the sphere. It’s really badass.

Also, he has killer dwarfs.

And this guy.

Hi. I'm a well-thought-out tertiary character. I sometimes wear a red shirt and beam down to planets. I like to fish.

Cinematography and FX

Word on the street: this movie almost got an X rating for excessive blood. I think it’d be a PG-13 by modern standards. We get some neat stuff, and we get some cartoony stuff. Most of the effects are pretty impressive for a low-budget indie flick shot in the 70s.

After seeing this movie, everybody talks about the sphere. Then they talk about how they want one to kill their enemies with. Then they talk about how theirs would be covered in superglue or hundreds of needles or have the strength of five gorillas. They are that cool.

Ketchup bottles of the 70s.

The pacing isn’t exactly brilliant, but you will remain in constant what-the-fuck mode throughout the movie. The creepy soundtrack doesn’t hurt, either.

Popcorn Factor

This movie should be called Funtasm. In a genre full of mindless slasher films and sprinting zombies, we can always to turn to Phantasm for originality. Well, whenever it’s not aping Dune.

The Reverend Mother Helen Gaius Mohiam, as played by Ozzy Osbourne.