Some movies just suck the life right out of you—this one’s more like a dull toothache that doesn’t really hurt unless you keep prodding at it, but you still sure as hell wish it was gone. The sooner I get this out of the way, the happier I think I’ll be.
Premise: 1/5
Nothing spells terror like "explorer helmets."
I guess the premise would be to bore the hell out of the audience with a mix of that ol’ voodoo magic (courtesy of the god Siva, oddly) and somebody reading somebody else’s notes on the crib notes version of Nietzsche for Retards. Oh, there’s also a whole assortment of dull and painfully cliche “love story” moments which are supposed to be the big motivator of this film, but really, I think watching a dog eat its own feces is more romantic than this groan-inducing tripe.
Oh, but if you must know the whole story, it goes like this: in WWI, some crazy French Cambodian priest approaches the Allies on the Franco-Austrian front and says, via translator “my god commands me to make zombie soldiers, which are way cooler and better than regular ones” and proceeds to show them how great his zombie shock troops are. Well, since this was a far less cynical time, naturally the Allied officers are appalled and they put the priest in solitary confinement for life. Too bad he gets himself murdered by the evil “Count Mazovia” who then steals some picture that I guess is one of the secrets of zombifying. So anyways, fast forward—the war’s over and now the Allies have all sent representatives to head into Cambodia, find the secret of making zombies, and destroy it (like I said, far less cynical time). The guy, Armand, who first found the priest is there, as well as his British buddy Clifford Grayson (who, I may add, hasn’t the faintest trace of even a fake accent). Also the Colonel that they were in the service under is there, who also brought his daughter with him. And somehow or another, Mazovia’s also along for the ride. Dumb love stuff happens between Armand and the colonel’s daughter, until he finds out that she was just using him to get Clifford to notice her, engagement is broken off and Armand gets shitted upon. Blah blah blah stuff blah blah blah Armand finds zombie ritual blah blah blah Armand starts using it to “run roughshod over anyone in your way, leaving all sentiment behind, and just focusing on your goal,” which he learned from Cliffy and his ex-fiancee. Blah. Anyways, Armand becomes a demigod, enslaves everyone but colonel’s daughter, then gives up his power to prove he really loves her. Blah.
This movie came out in 1936, so I’m fully okay with the fact that the titular zombies aren’t the cuddly and charming brain-eating flesh-rippers that I know and love. Whatever, that’s fine. It doesn’t change the fact that this movie just doesn’t deliver on any front. The whole story’s tedious, and if you thought my breakdown was bad, I DARE you to try watching this and stay conscious. No thrills or chills are in evidence and basically the whole deal, well, blows.
Cast: 1/5
Ordinarily I’d list some of the actors who were in this movie, but there’s no reason. Pretty much they all sucked through and through. There was the aforementioned lack of accent from the unappealing (yet allegedly “dashing”) British guy, the utterly wooden and unappealing Armand, the unappealing “romantic” bitch, and a cast of throwaways. I guess the guy who played Mazovia was kind of funny in a character-actor-gone-bad kinda way—but no. They all sucked. You can’t even really hate them, honestly, because there is NOTHING going on. Give me something I can use here, people!
Oh…wait…I forgot to mention that Bela Lugosi’s eyes make an appearance whenever Armand is using his “will” on people. I guess that’s because this was originally supposed to be a sequel of sorts to White Zombie, but Lugosi pulled out at the last minute (good choice!). So I guess that makes them the best actors in this shoddy snorefest.
Special Effects & Cinematography: 1/5
Hey, you know, like I said, I’m totally prepared to give them some leeway since this movie came out in ’36, but enough’s enough. They couldn’t even cut the film right as it twitches and jumps minutely sometimes. The zombies are nothing more than hypnotized, living humans, which would be fine if that in any friggin’ way explained how, when the priest was showing off his zombie troops, they managed to get shot like 7 times and just keep coming. There’s a scene where Armand is quietly following this priest out of a temple in Angkor to get closer to the zombie ritual (which also doesn’t make any friggin’ sense since the priest they slapped in solitary for life was supposed to be the only one who knew how to do it), and in this scene, I kid you not, it’s the actors “creeping” in place while a rear projection of a swamp slowly “moves” away from them. Stock footage of the Indy 500 would’ve looked better than this POS*.
Popcorn Factor: 1/5
Seriously, just say no. Counting the unpopped kernels would be more exciting.
*Piece of Shit, for those of you who aren’t 1337 like me.
