Meadhall of the Comitatus

To get myself in the proper mood for Horrorama this year, I had to dig up this ‘seasonal’ offering about Bill Goldberg killing scores of people on Christmas. I shouldn’t have to say another damn word about this Canadian film, save that it was actually “produced with the assistance of the Alberta Film Development Program of the Alberta Foundation of the Arts,”–complete with logo. Canadians sure are fucked up, huh?

Premise: 3/5 (thanks Goldberg!)

Nicholas Yuleson is a dorky young man who lives with his eccentric grandpa and works alongside his romantic interest ‘Mac’. Together they get targeted by Santa Claus who damn near burns down the whole town in a merry killing spree. See, Santa is actually the son of that other guy who wears red and black, and long ago he lost a bet with an angel which forced him to hand out presents at the end of every year. Well, fuck that, the terms of the bet expired last year and it’s time to show folks the TRUE meaning of Christmas.

But hey, let’s get right down to it and talk about:

The Very First Scene: Omg, James Caan, Fran Drescher, Chris Cattan, and Rebecca Gaylord all die horribly. Enjoy that!  Most hateful scene ever, and that’s even before Santa busts through the chimney swinging a sack fulla payback.

Right in the first 5 minutes, this movie's got major Fran service!

The opening credits are really clever–I give the flick real points for that. They outline your basic plot with a bunch of hilariously inverted Rockwellian drawings. We’ve just seen Santa totally lose his shit, and now we see him forced into being the paragon of goodness we’ve known over the centuries. But he’s got a subtly pissed-off look about it that makes it even funnier.

Our action takes place in “Hell Township,”dontchaknow. Why? We like our “in Hell” puns. I don’t know why we like those. Corniness aside, the movie’s not entirely unhip, with a funny Necronomicon reference and a lazily-veiled dirty streak. In fact there is a good amount of nerdy material in here, but a lot of it is funny and somehow works:

Nicholas Yuleson: The clock just struck midnight at the pole. Christmas is officially over for you, Santa!
Santa Claus: You know, most people make the same mistake. The correct time at the pole is completely discretionary, because the poles are where all the time zones actually converge.
Mary “Mac” Mackenzie: He’s scary, yet educational.

Our plate of milk and cookies also includes lots of violence with some fake tits. God, I’ve always wanted to say that about a Christmas movie.

Cast: 4/5 (thanks Goldberg!)

Twilight of the Idols, Bill Goldberg style. FUCK YEAH!

Nicholas Yuleson (Douglas Smith–think Edward from Twilight but without those seasoned acting chops) is a really sarcastic bitch who I kept hoping Goldberg would snap like a damn Slim Jim. Smith’s the only outright black mark against the movie, since he’s camera center for most of the thing and he never gets better.  He even mangles otherwise funny lines like “We’re trapped in a closet on Christmas with Santa trying to murder us…how fucked up is that??” I dunno kid, something tells me you’ve seen a Futurama or two. Bright side, though, for all you Lost fans–he’s opposite Emilie de Ravin, the chick who went on to the big lights in that one series I never saw. Honestly, she’s an amazing actress even in her teens, especially next to her hapless costar. Sure she’s cute, but she also pulls off comedy, plays the straightman, scream princess, you name it. You can tell she’s going places just from this. Oh, and Robert Culp (crazy grandpa Yuleson) continues his own straightman bit from way back in Great American Hero Or Whatever The Fuck That Show Was Called.

Naturally, we’ve also got the B.A. Barracus of shit movies,  Tiny ‘Zeus’ Lister! For a whole minute! His scary black presence cements this movie’s status more than any national accreditation could.

And then there’s Bill Goldberg.

Goldberg's been known to tap out...all his red mana. What? Shut UP.

Goldberg Awesomeness:

• Doing”The Spear” right thru this dude’s deli counter! No, fuck you, it was great;
• In the first 5m of the movie, he kills all those awful celebs. Drowns Fran Drescher in the eggnog bowl, impales another rich bitch on her dog’s four-poster bed, et CETERA;
• Wedging a candy cane thru a mugger’s right eye and then chucking him in the dumpster;
• Running an old woman off the road so her car explodes;
• Beating the shit out of stripclub bouncers with the stripper pole (briefly pausing to desanitize it);
• Burning down said strip club, killing all the whores inside;
• This (stage right, folks)
  

  But it wasn't a Merry Christmas THAT year...for MANY...were KILLED.

   

• And loudly pointing out (in front of the whole cast) that Nicholas asked for a Mini-Bake oven as a kid.

Oh, you want receipts for all that shit? I can give you twenty stills. I can give you twenty stills.

Golby is basically channeling The Rock circa 1990s as hard as he can, but it works. His festively badass costume comes complete with the Champ’s golden belt, restyled for the holidays. Yeah. He even has the right bellow for the part too, eagerly hamming it up with lines like “I’m Santa Claus, not fuckin’ DRACULA!” My personal favorite appears in the Special Features: Santa picks up a toy gun, furrows his brow and pensively says, “…I gave this to Sean McKenzie back in ’87…queer.”

Technical/FX: 3/5 (thanks, nameless techhies!)

This isn't in the picture. Ignore this. The whole thing's awesome and it doesn't feature this. What IS this?

This is full-on cinema, people.

You’ve got some funny effects and devices created for the movie (Santa’s lightsaber candy cane), but most of the stuff you really want to see only gets a few seconds onscreen, such as Santa on his sleigh in midair, or the nastier bits of gore, etc. Many of the scenes that have real comic payload are just too short, though, especially the Christmas tree on fire. Go look at it again, it’s that awesome.

As I’ve said, the credits were awesome, and there’s also that delightful puppet scene shown below that references all those classic Christmas kids’ movies –while totally corrupting them. It’s one of the more enjoyable parts of the movie IMO, just for the smile it put on my face.

Fun Factor:  3/5 (no really, thanks Goldberg!)

Best screencap ever? Text "SANTASPWN" to 1-888-576-MEAD now!

Santa’s Slay is certainly not the sorrily seasonal suckfest I was expecting, but I can’t see myself watching it semiannually.  However, the premise and honestly-entertaining intent are fairly original even nowadays, so everyone involved deserve props for making that happen. I mean Goldberg does. Congrats to him for doing Christmas right!