Satan’s School for Girls
Hehehe…shameless exploitative fun is the name of this game. But really, isn’t that obvious from the title of the movie? I guess Aaron Spelling (yes, THAT Aaron Spelling) liked his movie so much he remade it in 2000 with Shannen Dougherty. But what we have right here is the original, featuring two of Charlie’s own Angels. Unfortunately, this is another made-for TV affair, but it doesn’t stop me from enjoying it anyways. So, bottom’s up, and enjoy!
Satan's School for Aspiring Alcoholics.
Premise: 3/5
Nothing super-exceptional, but nothing obnoxiously bad, either. Poor Elizabeth Sayers has a sister, Martha, who just graduated from Salem Women’s Academy, and on the day when they were supposed to finally meet up, Elizabeth comes home to find her sister swinging from the ceiling, an apparent suicide. Of course, like any good sister, Elizabeth can’t understand why Martha would’ve done herself in, and suspects foul play. The cops are no help (when are they ever?) so she decides to go undercover at the school in an attempt to figure out what really happened.
The whole school gives off a kind of spooky vibe, when on the first day she’s there Elizabeth sees another student’s painting of what appears to be Martha in stark terror. And then, as if that wasn’t enough, her science class is taught by a professor whose experiments on rats seem to have the sole aim of pacifying the rats, and then to fill them with terror in an attempt (as far as I can figure) to see where they cross the line from fleeing to fighting. So, suffice it to say, not all’s as it seems in this fine Academy, and a late night trip to the dormitory cellars confirms it. This is actually a pretty briskly-paced flick, which is always nice, and it does a reasonably good job of creating an old-fashioned gothic atmosphere without drowning you in buildup. Not bad, and actually kinda fun, if predictable.
Satan's School for Screaming Spazzes.
Cast: 3/5
Hehe…what’s to be said? There’s no question this movie has camp value in spades, but most of the crew hold their parts up pretty well. In particular, nods go to Pamela Franklin (who plays Elizabeth), Kate Jackson (the brunette Angel who plays Roberta, Elizabeth’s apparent best ally on campus), and Jo Van Fleet (who plays the prim and proper headmistress of the school, and gets a couple really fun scenes in while she’s at it). Jamie Smith-Jackson is also pretty good, she plays the apparently strung-out (or haunted) Debbie Jones, the one who painted that creepy picture of Elizabeth’s sister. Debbie’s hysteria scenes are definitely worth a laugh!
Pretty much the rest of the cast are hammers or eye-candy, and that’s fine in a movie like this. None of it’s really Oscar-quality, but they don’t need to be. At least they’re competent, unlike the cast of a certain movie about “el Chupacabra” which shall remain nameless.
Satan's School for Poking Stuff With Sticks.
Special Effects & Cinematography: 2/5
Another TV movie, another non-factor. That’s really just as well, though, because usually special effects in movies about Satan just make me laugh. The dormitory’s appropriately old-fashioned enough to look gothicky. Everything else is just average, and hard to comment on.
Primarily, my big problem with this movie is the craptastic way it transferred onto DVD. It’s another too-grainy, spot-the-projector-blob mess that can sometimes be really hard to watch. Honestly, I’m not sure that it’s even the movie’s fault, it could just be age and lack of care.
Satan's School for Burning Death.
Popcorn Factor: 3/5
Hey, as long as you don’t mind Cheez Wiz, you should enjoy the movie. It’s not slow enough to bore you, not long enough to make you lose interest, and has a lot of attractive girls screaming and running around. Also, there’s Satan, and some fire later on, so really everyone wins! Definitely not must-see-TV, but you won’t hate yourself for watching it, and you may find a goofball grin stuck on your face like I found on mine while watching it. I had to penalize the movie a half-star, though, because the ending is abrupt and kind of anticlimactic.