Silent Night, Bloody Night
Ahhh yessss…..it is that time again. The leaves are starting to die, the sun is starting to fade, and there’s a chill creeping into the air. And, before you know it, rug monsters dressed as princesses, pirates, and random Dragonball Z characters will be bashing on your door and grinding their stubby little fingers into your doorbell with their ceaseless demands for candy. What better time to lock yourself in with some low-rent horror flicks and make like in I am Legend?
That’s really the story of my life, anyways, and this is the story of Silent Night, Bloody Night.
Premise: 3/5
Possibly the mother of the slasher genre as we know it, though Halloween is usually credited for making it so enduring. This flick’s got a leg up on it, though, predating Carpenter’s movie by five years. If I was the Crypt Keeper I’d probably say something about “tapping open a keg of Christmas fear” and then giggle maniacally for a minute. Since I am, unfortunately, not the Crypt Keeper, however, I’ll just break down the all-too-familiar plot.
Basically, the story starts in some New England town with our heroine, Diane Adams, narrating about this old house being torn down, leaving nothing behind but her memories of what happened on “that night” in 1973 (take a guess which night…I’ll give you a hint…Europeans would call it 24/12). We travel back in time about 20-some years, when Wilfred Butler, the owner of this house which had been empty for so long, came home for Christmas, and burnt to death in what the coroner called “a tragic accident.” In his last will and testament, he bequeathed the house and everything to his only surviving relative Jeffrey, on the condition that he keep it exactly as grandpaps left it. After twenty years of leaving it like that, Jeffrey decides to get his lawyer out to the town to sell the house once and for all (he’s been living the life of a “traveller” in California) and is willing to only take 50 grand for it, though his lawyer thinks it could get as much as 250—anyhow, that’s all irrelevant, as news of this impending deal reaches someone in an asylum for the criminally insane, who then busts out and gets ready, presumably, for some killin’.
This movie felt kind of like a weird blend of old-school horror and new-school slasher, in that most of what happens is dependent on the characters’ past and the threads that tie them all together with many a foreboding “dark secret” clue thrown your way. For the new-schoolers, you get some particularly visceral “line up to get into the meat factory” killings and a decently high body count (12 plus 1 dog, I believe). Also uses the soon-to-be-hideously-popular “killer’s eye view” and it strings you along so that you’re never quite sure who the killer is until the very end.
And there’s a whole bunch of fucked up shit in each character’s backstory that should please the sick. Like me!
This guy obviously never paid attention in grade school. It's "stop, drop, and roll" not "scream, crawl, and die."
Cast: 2/5
I really wrestled with this category…it’s a b-movie, for sure, so do I grade based on other b-movies, or grade based on non-b flicks? I’d have put in a 2.5 if I thought it’d make any more sense.
Anyways, lemme say that I thought Mary Woronov did a very good job playing our heroine, Diane Adams. I have no doubt that she’d kick Jamie Lee Curtis’s ass up and down the block if it came down to it, so props to her there. James Patterson plays the prodigal Jeffrey Butler, who changed his mind and wants to see the family house one last time before selling it off; he’s okay, I guess, but a little wooden and uninteresting. So call it one for two in terms of good leading characters.
The supporting cast are a quirky bunch, featuring Patrick O’Neal as Jeff’s lawyer John Carter, who might as well be named “Slick.” Also, there’s the lawyer’s girlfriend, who is somewhat hot (though it could just be her accent…rrowr), and John Carradine’s there too, playing a somewhat mute and deaf fellow (although he does choke out some words near the beginning). Mostly a forgettable lot, but I wonder if some of the quirks may have been intentional based on some revelations later in the movie. Is it bad-acting, or meta-bad-acting in an “ah-ha!” kind of way? Retarded, or meta-retarded*? I just can’t say. Anyways, I guess they get the job done, no matter who they are. They just aren’t all that amazing.
"Oooh yeah, ladies...check out this sexy beast. I'm cut like a tub of butter!"
Cinematography & Special Effects: 3/5
There are things that work for this flick, and there are things that totally do not. One of the things you’ll probably be cursing almost straight out of the gate is the near-constant narration in the first third of the movie. It’s way too damn chatty—ever hear the expression “show, don’t tell?” That should be the mantra of moviemakers everywhere, but you still get odd little flicks that just piss all over that motto, which is plain weird when you think about it. It’s a visual medium, so why do we have the blow by blow commentary (from both Diane Adams and the deceased Wilfred Butler) near the beginning? Also, movies being a visual medium, it helps if your audience can actually see what’s going on sometimes. I swear, there are so many scenes of driving in the darkness, or walking through the dark house, that literally are just DARK. In some scenes that works out very well and cool and creepy, but in others it causes squinting and swearing. It’s like the movie forgot to pay its electric bill!
Still, like I said, sometimes that darkness works out pretty awesome. And the house, what little you get to see of it, is pretty cool—it’s not too outrageously old-fashioned, but not too close to modern. Nice blend for an interesting blend of movie. And don’t forget about the blood! There’s definitely gore in this flick and it’s not that cheap bright red crap you sometimes see posing as blood, either. This is greasy, dirty, nasty stuff, for dirty, grisly, and nasty murders. Also, right as the movie is reaching its climax when some mysteries are revealed, there’s a whole flashback scene to the 1930s that’s all sepia toned and is pretty wicked. Downside is that that scene takes a bit longer than necessary, but it’s still mighty cool in a guilty pleasure gross-out kind of way. I won’t spoil anything, but I think most anyone who’s into horror could get a charge out of that scene.
Haha! I am CUT like a tub of—oh DAMN IT!
Popcorn Factor: 3/5
You know, deep in the darkest recesses of your heart, the parts that you don’t like to touch because they smell kinda funny, you KNOW this movie is a lot of fun. What’s not to love? Creepy whispering voices calling people up and threatening them without really threatening, old dark homes, old dark secrets, and a whole lot of death. There are some things in this movie that shock you and just make you go “ewww….d00d! That’s just gross.” And you know you love that too. I think if it wasn’t for the slow start this movie had, I’d have given it a 4/5 for the popcorn factor. And hey, it’s always fun to look back at what might be the beginning of a whole genre. Best of all? No sappy love scenes. I’m not saying this is a must-see, but I found myself enjoying it a lot more than I thought I should. Good ol’ horror business!
*I am hereby copyrighting the term “meta-retarded.”