Welcome to the very second installment of Hollywood Hackery. Here you are, a hardworking liquor conglomerate ready to sell your opiate to the masses, but you find your product lacking the kind of vital appeal you can only get from a desperately adorable dipsomaniacal mascot. No worries! by the time we’re done you’ll have hooked a whole generation on flushing their money quite literally down the toilet.

Welcome to the first installment of Hollywood Hackery. We’re going to run you through the basics of making a completely inartistic pile of garbage that the general public will have no choice but to throw their money at. Best of all, you’ll be learning the craft of making a straight-to-video movie, so you may even be able to put these methods to use in your own basement.

I was reading in the local paper today about one of those human interest stories. It was about some woman with the Downs that works for Boeing. According to form, everything was going well, I was feeling good about society and even admiring this woman. Then they listed her job description: refilling copy machines and sorting mail. “Hey,” thought I, “that’s what I do.” And then the depression set in.

Well, it’s no secret that temperatures have been very low in the last month or so, so it seems to me that it would be both timely and informative to share with you some simple secrets to keeping warm in the middle of this arctic freeze. Everyone knows about “space heaters” and “staying bundled up” and all that lame crap, but I got the real goods, here.