While certainly not a horrible movie, 28 Weeks Later lacks much of a message or a point, and because it’s not a character-driven film, it needs one. There’s very little to take home from this film. Some of the directing is superb, and some is the worst I’ve seen in a long while. Let me break it down for you while Fu slobbers all over my right shoulder.

Halloween doesn’t end until I SAY it does.  Since I’m playing catch up on Horrorama for this year, I’m sure you noticed (and even if you didn’t, I’ll pretend you did) a lack of Italiana in this year’s catalog.  Well, I aim to fix it with one of the finest–yes, I really mean it!–horror films around: Dario Argento’s “Suspiria.”

I woke up this morning with a semi-vom-covered stone tablet wedged under my door, and next to it an uncomfortably large and oderous pile of, well, poo. The tablet appeared to have some arcane “review” or another Fu Schnickens delivered for this, well I guess you could call it a movie–if your standards are low enough. Oh, and the poo had a Post-It note on it saying “This could be you.” I’m not sure if that was for me or the movie, but either way, Schnickens speaks up on “The Strangers.” And I helped!

Three Hallowarriors’ desperate search for entertainment leads them to something evil, something dangerous.

“Black magic and lesbians again, Oz?” I hear you asking. Well, yes, but I SWEAR this one’ll be different, I swear it! For one thing, it might actually vaguely have something to do with a vampire (I mean, look at the name), and for another, this one’s actually entertaining!

Do you like movies about insufferable students going on vacations? Bad ones, that usually end up with everyone dead and eaten? I have just the movie that you won’t want to see!

They have ETERNITY to bore your flesh!

I knew going into this that David “Naked Lunch” Cronenberg was going to serve me up some oddly-paced weirdness with just enough exposition to be understandable to those of us with slightly sub-genius IQs. Well, he served it up, and he served it raw. Heavy on plot, low on character, Scanners is like a steak without a potato.

More witches, more T & A. It’s really not as good as you may think.

“But Oz,” I hear you all saying (don’t lie, you’re totally saying it), “why don’t you do REAL movies? Like, American movies that don’t suck? Do you hate America?” My answer to this question, ye doubters, I do not hate America. As proof: a review of low-budget-but-you-know-you-remember-seeing-it-in-a-video-store-or-maybe-on-basic-cable-classic “C.H.U.D.” It’s like “Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan” only without all the suck.