Meadhall of the Comitatus

After the last two miserable fails in horror-comedy, I just wasn’t ready to take another.  I needed some serious business.  So, of course that can only mean one thing: Italy, what have you got for me today?  “The Beyond”?  OK, I’m in!

Lucio Fulci, like Dario Argento, created a batshit insane trilogy where the rules of reality just don’t apply.  I don’t know if it’s an “official” trilogy like Argento’s, but fans usually refer to three of Fulci’s movies as the “death” trilogy.  It starts with “City of the Living Dead” (hey wait a minute, that sounds kind of familiar), then “The Beyond” (alternate title: “Seven Doors of Death”) and “The House by the Cemetary.”  There is definitely a lot of death in these movies, which may come as quite a shock to some of you, but I assure you that it is true.

Blind yourself all you want, there's no escape from the coming Eyepocalypse.

Premise: 2/5

This movie is pretty much a PSA about why you shouldn’t hang around near open portals to Hell.  Even if you suddenly come into an inheritance that gives you a big-ass hotel (sure it’s a fixer-upper, but you can’t win ‘em all), if someone tells you that it’s on an open portal to Hell, you may want to listen to them and stay the fuck away.  And whatever you do, it is strongly, strongly advised that you do NOT start reading anything from a mysterious old tome a crazy blind girl with creepy eyes tells you about.  This goes double if the tome in question sounds like it could’ve come from a Lovecraft story (like, say—just throwing this out there—but how about . . .”The Book of Eibon”?).  Nothing good will come of this.  It is a statistical FACT.  Possibly even proven by science.

Hooked on Eibonics worked for me.

What this movie does, basically, is build on the premise of “City of the Living Dead.”  I’m going to go ahead and guess (since this is a Fulci film, all I can do is guess since little enough of it makes sense and he can’t be bothered to explain) that the original name of the hotel, the “Seven Doors Hotel,” is probably itself a reference to there being seven doors to Hell, of which we already saw one back in “City.”  I’d guess that “The House by the Cemetary” (which I’ve yet to see, but maybe later this month) is probably another door to Hell.  That being the case, you know weird, bad, awful shit is going to happen—and mostly to your facial region, but more on that later.  However, I don’t think I can say this is any better, or maybe even as good as “City of the Living Dead.”  It’s still good, it’s still trippy, and it’s eminently gory, but it just doesn’t feel like it’s handled as well here as in the previous film.  In “City,” the atmosphere and tone is given a chance to build up and escalate slowly after the initial prophetic bad news, and you get a sense that the weirdness is starting to bleed through more and more as the movie progresses.  There’s really no such structure to “The Beyond,” as everything is crazy weird from the word go.  Thing is, there’s also some breaks were nothing that weird or awful happens in the middle, so there’s no sense of things getting worse.  It feels a bit lazy, to be honest, like Fulci just had the worst acid trip ever and wanted to share it as quickly as he could without putting a ton of thought into where and why things go where they do.

That being said, though, whereas I was confused and a bit annoyed by the ending of “City,” I can honestly say that the ending to this movie is incredibly haunting, and there is no ambiguity whatsoever as to how fucked those involved are.  It might be one of my favorite end scenes of any horror movie to date, even in spite of how hazy and badly-written so much of the lead up was.  I love it, but I’m also a bit off by most people’s standards, so take that for what it’s worth.

Well, Mistuh Whately, we don' much cotton ta black sorcery round these parts, y'heah?

Cast: 1/5

What a surprise, an Italian movie where the acting is awful!  And, as with most Italian flicks I’ve seen, the women are all rather pretty, and the men are all professors, doctors, or something in that mold, with an occasional cop.  There’s nothing new here, but I’m giving an extra .5 to the rating because the main actress, Catriona MacColl is very easy on the eyes, and I dig the hints of a British accent that occasionally come through.  What can I say?

Interestingly enough, now that I’ve looked back on my review for “City of the Living Dead,” it turns out Catriona MacColl was one of the main actresses in that as well, and I gave her an extra .5 for being purty then, too.  At least I’m consistent!  Which, really, is more than can be said for Lucio Fulci.

Umm . . . you got a little something on your face there. You want a paper towel or something? OK, nevermind. Gotcha.

Technical: 3.5/5

The high point, as usual, for so many of these Italian flicks.  Good lawd—if there’s one thing Fulci knows how to do, it’s create a set-piece!  His ability to create a coherent story may be lacking, but who really cares about that when there’s spiders tearing a guy’s face off piece by piece with a babble of insane noises to accompany it?  Or when there’s a guy getting beaten by chains with barbs all over it, tearing huge scraps of his flesh away, before he is then crucified to a wall while hot mortar (I assume) is thrown on his face?  Actually, I could probably give you a huge laundry list of facial assaults that happen all movie long, but I don’t think we have enough space in the whole of the internets—and that’s just generalized face damage.  No less than 3 (maybe 4) eyes get brutally removed in the course of this film, which may in fact be a new record.  Seriously, this movie is mind-blowingly gory and violent, but I’d expect nothing less.

Hey, you've got something on your face there--oh, that actually is your face. Melting. Want a Squeegee or something?

Equally strong is the soundtrack, of course, but it seems to not be as persistent as it was in “City of the Living Dead.”  I guess that goes again to my point about atmosphere and buildup not being as strong in this movie as the previous one.  That is really too bad because they could’ve gone to some cool places with this movie, since it’s set in Louisiana—bayou country, voodoo, and New Orleans!  It does feel like there were some missed opportunities here.  As it turns out, this movie could’ve been set anywhere (well, anywhere with an open portal to Hell in the basement) and been just as effective.  Still, for all that, I can’t complain too much.  It’s another awesome, if flawed, example of the crazy Italian horror cinema that I love so well.

The only reason I won’t give this category a 4 out of 5 is because of all the goddamned close-ups all the time.  I get that Fulci wants me up close so I can savor the flavor of his delicious gore, but you just have to know when to say enough’s enough sometimes.  And all the protracted scenes of people screaming for no discernible reason should probably have gotten cut down a bit—especially to avoid long, protracted close-ups of people screaming for no good reason.  I know “restraint” might be something Fulci never quite understood, and he probably blacked it out of his dictionary completely, but come ON.

Eye don't think so!

Popcorn Factor: 2/5

I suppose you know by now, I can be a sick bastard with the movies I like.  I’m willing to forgive a hell of a lot in a movie if something wows me about it, and with “The Beyond” it’s hard not to be wowed by the gore and facially-directed violence, accompanied by pretty awesome sound design and a badass score well-placed.  Caveat emptor and all that, though, because this is the kind of movie that won’t be for everyone—especially not the squeamish.  I mean, hell, there was at least one scene that even I found myself doing one of those “watch it through your hands” things you might’ve done when you were a kid.  I knew what was coming, the movie knew I knew what was coming, and let it drag out painfully and nastily all the same.  And I fucking loved it.

Yes, it almost seems criminal to call the movie’s script “written,” and yes the acting staggers between awful and incredibad, and no the plot pretty much refuses to make even one iota of sense—but that’s not what this movie’s for anyway.  Just know that going in, or avoid it altogether if coherence is important to you, and you shouldn’t be disappointed.  This isn’t as good as “City of the Living Dead,” but I’m sure not going to hold that against it.

Also, EAT THAT David Spade!

3 Things I learned from “The Beyond”

1. Keep sharp things away from my face.

2. Keep boiling hot/acidic things away from my face.

3. Keep Lucio Fulci away from my face.

Remember, children, He loves you this much!