The Church (1989)
Oh no . . . guess who found a film on Amazon which, the description states, was “originally known as Demons 3?” Based on past experiences with Italian sequelizing, I knew nothing good could possibly come of this (please refer to my gratuitous linking in the Demons 2 review). The shocker? I couldn’t have been more wrong. Whether because of the underwhelming Demons 2, or some other reason, they made the right call just leaving this one as The Church, having as it does nothing in common with the other two movies.
No time for sex, lady, I'm having a nerdgasm!
Premise: 4/5
This is one of those horror films that’s a bit hard to say too much about, not really through fear of spoilers, but more on account of it being trippy as fuck. The basics of the movie are this: Back in medieval times, a group of Teutonic Knights were told of a village that is actually a den of evil demons, so without much encouraging they set to slaughtering everyone there and throwing their bodies into a mass grave, not even sparing the animals. A creepy priest with them decrees that this grave should be blessed and a church built over top of it, sealing the evil within forever. Flash forward to 1989, where we meet Evan, the new librarian of an old gothic cathedral, and Lisa, who’s in charge of some restorations on the place. Evan’s a bit of a weirdo, as on his first date with Lisa he starts telling her about how his interest in cathedrals stems more from the fact that he’s trying to find the secret of this particular cathedral, the only one nobody has ever been buried in save the cathedral’s architect, and Evan further goes on to tell her legend has it that this particular cathedral has the Tablets of Law buried underneath it.She teases him with an Indiana Jones crack, but instead of becoming pissy like I’ve come to expect from these types of movies, he tells her it’s probably not true, but there may be something else buried under there—like the secrets of a science long forgotten, or something that could possibly make him “like a Superman, or a god.” I told you he was weird, right?
A dying Phil Collins realizes too late why jackhammers are not to be taken internally.
Bad news: he’s right, there *is* something buried under the cathedral, and I’m sure I don’t need to tell you it’s that mass grave of evil from the opening scene. Rather than going straight into the “reanimated dead go kill-crazy” that I fully expected (I mean, come ON: Italy, Demons 3?), the movie takes a completely unexpected tack. The supernatural goings-on start slowly as some people start hearing ghostly hoofbeats with no source, get clouted on the head by things they can’t see, and several others find themselves struggling with strangely powerful (and dark) desires. One of the priests, attempting to off himself to get rid of his impulse to kill and destroy, commits suicide via jackhammer (that’s right, a friggin’ jackhammer!), the vibration of which triggers the archaic locking mechanism the original architect built into the church so long ago. I know that sounds like a cheap attempt to just close people into the church, but I swear it’s not that bad—they specifically mention things like that before the movie starts getting weird so it doesn’t feel like they just threw it in there at the last minute (unlike the acid blood in Demons 2…). At this point, all hell literally begins to break loose as one by one the unlucky people trapped in the church become possessed and things get increasingly fucked up. From here much of the movie seems to be a bunch of hallucinatory vignettes most of our characters weave through with little explanation, and to describe it any further might make it sound—well, to be blunt, it would probably sound stupid and insane at the same time, but in fact this movie is neither. It’s a hell of a strange trip, but one that definitely pays off.
Oh, you crazy kids. Inter-species romances never end well.
Cast: 3/5
Overall, this is a very solid cast, something else I can’t say as I was expecting. While I didn’t care much for Evan (played by Tomas Arana) at first, it may just be a prejudice I have against the “built but nerdy chick magnet” archetype I keep seeing in so many of these Italian flicks—but when he starts showing his colors and getting creepy, he gets really good. Can’t say as I felt the same way about Lisa (played by Barbara Cupisti), as she came off as pretty dull and listless unless she was getting terrorized by something. Dario Argento’s daughter Asia is in this one, too, playing Lotte, the Sacristan’s daughter who would rather just be a normal girl than a cloistered one in an unhappy family. I’ll admit I was really surprised by how competent an actress she was even in this movie, when she couldn’t have been much older than 14 at the time. Also pretty good was Hugh Quarshie, who played the (I’m guessing) newest priest of the church, he was a little melodramatic at times, but generally played strong.
A lot of the other characters we meet are either too briefly in the movie, or kind of irritating charicatures.Witness, for example, the scenery-chewing cheeseball that is Feodor Chaliapin Jr., who played the Bishop of the church: all eyebrows and the looks of having downed 16 gallons of prune juice in the last hour. Witness also Roberto Corbiletto, who plays the Sacristan—sorry dude, if you play so broad, slapping your daughter isn’t shocking, it’s inevitable, and you can’t convince me otherwise. There’s also an old couple whose names I forget, and while they’re comical it does take away from the experience when she’s saying things like “have a biscuit, they’re groovy” while her hubby says something cantankerous AGAIN. Although the payoff of their particular vignette was pretty awesome in its own right . . .
LOOK! What did I just say about inter-species romances? They never listen.
Technical: 4/5
Man, this movie is just absolutely beautiful, no two ways about it. The cathedral is amazingly cool, full of the old majesty you’d expect, plus some bizarre geometry and strange nooks everywhere—I’m sold on it. Not only is the setting great, but again we have an excellent soundtrack (no butt-rock or post-punk new-wave in this one) that oozes as much personality and general weirdness as the church itself does. The special effects, particularly the few full-on demons and gore scenes, are excellent—I can’t believe this movie had a bigger budget than Demons 2, but I believe they put more care into what they did with it. Michele Soavi (fun fact: he was the dude with the half-mask welded to his face in the original Demons, and assistant director of that movie) definitely has an eye for great shots, too, and uses the camera to striking effect.
If there’s any weaknesses to the “behind the scenes/techie stuff” for this movie, it would have to be either the editing or the screenplay itself. I’m not sure which is more to blame, but there’s a whole bunch of characters there when the cathedral gets locked down, but so many of them (and scenes involving them) serve no purpose, as if they probably shouldn’t have been in the movie in the first place—they really go nowhere and are forgotten about immediately. Still, that’s a small gripe which never lessened my enjoyment of the movie.
It's fair to say this ranks as among the worst retirement parties ever.
Popcorn Factor: 3/5
This movie is really engrossing, and almost hypnotic in places. For a comparatively slow movie, I was never bored or impatient. There’s some really great shock gags in there, and a ton of really evocative images and a cool backstory to boot. Some might be turned off by the maddening ambiguities in the plot (and I won’t say I like all of it, either), but I think those same ambiguities are part of what give The Church its character. It’s definitely different, so if you’re looking for a quick thrill you might want to pass this up—however if you’re looking for that off-the-beaten-path gem of a strange horror movie, I’d recommend checking this out if you’re feeling adventurous.