The Hunger
In this last week before the gates to the Netherworld fly open and Hell holds sway on Earth, I shall do what little I can to get you in the “spirit” (har har….that joke always kills! Get it? Kills! Hahahaha!!) of things. Expect a new horror movie review from me every day this week.
And, so, without further ado, let’s begin with this singularly boring vampire movie, “The Hunger.” How a movie can manage to both be singularly boring and outlandishly aggravating, I don’t know, but The Hunger pulls it off with remarkable ease.
Premise: 2/5
"Tell me, WHAT IS THE MATRIX?!"
Conceptually speaking, nice try. This flick came out in ’83, so a lot of people credit it with taking the vampire genre out of the creepy old back countries and castles of rustic Europe and sending it uptown to go clubbing. Take out all the cliches and trappings of the old vampire mythos, move it into new territory, and see what comes out. In theory, not a bad idea and opens up all kinds of interesting possibilities. In practice, however, this movie fails to deliver on every front.
Instead, what you see is Tony Scott’s masturbatory “artsiness” boring you to death for an hour and a half. In this movie, the only character who tries to do anything in the plot pretty much exits, stage left even, less than halfway through. The tragically goth main vampiress doesn’t really seem to do much more than sit around playing classical piano and dress up like New Wave Barbie (now comes in French!).
That main character, Miriam, is somehow a vampire, although her backstory is never even touched upon except in perhaps one very short flashback scene (she’s wearing a sort of Egyptian priestess thing, has blood all over the lower half of her face, and there’s a dead black man underneath her covered in blood). You want some meat on these bones? Too damn bad, bitches! I’m way too artsy for that!
Although I should mention, the back side of the case tells you that Miriam is “the cool, icy beauty whose mystery was born in the waters of ancient Egypt.” Well, thank god I know that her mystery was born in the waters of ancient Egypt!
Cast: 2/5
Other than the aforementioned cool, icy beauty (played by Catherine Deneuve), there’s only two other characters relevant to the sedentary preening that passes for this movie’s “plot.” David Bowie plays Miriam’s current immortal lover, John. Apparently, the way Miriam became a vampire somehow differs from the way she turned John (and, as it happens, many other loves she’s had), because John’s age is suddenly starting to catch up with him, and fast. This is the “plot” that helps to introduce our only other character worth mentioning, a doctor played by Susan Sarandon, who’s trying to find a way to screw around with the biological ticker that we call aging. There’s a standard-issue jealous boyfriend (Sarandon’s go-nowhere subplot), and some other characters who don’t matter.
Since the movie is mainly one long exercise in vampiric booty calls, and only Sarandon, Bowie, and Deneuve are the lynchpins of said booty calls, this movie wastes one hell of a lot of potential. The cast could’ve done better if they’d been given more to do than boff and preen their hour upon the stage.
Cinematography & Design: 1/5
This is undoubtedly the area that Tony Scott wanted to receive the most attention for, and I guess in some places the C&D do stand out. Problem is, the C&D are about the only things happening in the damn movie. It’s painfully obvious that all Tony Scott wanted to do in this dud is create a work of cinematic art, but it tries too hard and falls flat everywhere. With motives this transparent, naturally this category earns my wrath more than any of the others. Fuck you billowy curtains! Screw off quick cuts! Eat shit stupid doves! Burn in hell “urban decadence”!
Special Effects: 3/5
For a pleasant change of pace, somebody with a soul apparently worked as head of the special effects department. They don’t get used all that often (I guess it’s all in the attempt to make a vampire movie “unlike any other!”), but what’s here is pretty damn good. The aging effect the make-up artists use on Bowie starts off very subtle, and then begins hastening onward to utter creepiness. It’s a very realistic look, too, except for maybe the last stages of Bowie’s transformation, which are a bit over the top (though not dangerously so). Also surprisingly good, especially since it makes little to no bloody sense within the scope of the plot, are the zombie effects that come into play during the movie’s climax. They look every bit as withered and desiccated as you could possibly want. Also nice are way they all start to crumble to dust afterwards. It sure beats the similar scene with the monkey (don’t ask!) that occured earlier in the film, which were barely “Sledge Hammer” quality.
Popcorn Factor: 1/5
What can I say? Nothing goes on throughout most of the film, and when something does, you usually don’t give a shit since it’s only a temporary windfall of activity. There is a lesbian love scene between Sarandon and Deneuve later on in the movie, which is okay, but is again way too self-indulgent to be much fun. Avoid at all costs!