If you squint, it almost looks like "American Gothic."

March 16, 2004 (Part 1)

I must have chased the unknown monster who was plaguing the neighborhood’s hubcaps further than I at first had thought, because, upon leaving the Captain’s yard by the more conventional “driveway” method, I found myself in unrecognizable terrain. While it is true that many of the homes in my neighborhood look despairingly like one another, it’s often easy enough to navigate by landmarks. For example, I can tell this house from that house because that house’s quaint faux-old-time-gas-lamp post hasn’t been painted in a few years, while this one receives a new coat of paint every spring. That one’s picket fence is white, while this one’s picket fence is a bit more off-white, or cream-colored. It’s nothing to brag about, and yet here I was, lost. I had a hunch neither the Captain nor the Pesci lookalike would care to help me much, so I resolved to pick an amiable direction and just start walking. With any luck I’d be able to find a main street and work my way home from there.

Of course, nothing’s ever that easy, now is it? Night was falling once again and still I was floundering about, uncertain of where I was or even if I was heading in the right direction. I wandered and drifted this way and that, no closer to home than before, seemingly, when suddenly I caught a welcoming whiff of smoke which came to me from further down the street. With no better plan, I headed directly for it.

The smell of a fire seemed to be coming from yet another darksome backyard, but I was drawn in like a moth. Barely registering the “Happy Solstice” sign in their front yard, I headed back slowly, wondering what kind of reception I could expect.

I need not have worried, as the two people back there seemed enrapt by the dancing of the campfire they were settled around. To be honest, it wasn’t a large fire, but it was certainly well-built, and they seemed to have more than enough wood to keep it burning for some time. Not sure when they might notice me otherwise, I faked a polite cough. After trying unsuccesfully to get their attention this way four or five times, I finally just took a seat on an unoccupied patch of ground by the fire myself.

After about ten minutes of sitting there awkwardly, the man’s eyes drifted blearily up and settled on me, apparently giving him quite a surprise.

“DUDE! DUDE! You totally crept up on my shit like a ninja or something!”

“Uh…hey,” was all I had to offer by way of introduction.

“Shit, man, we’re not doing nothing here but minding our own business! That’s still legal, ain’t it?” He was definitely on the defensive until he noticed I wasn’t wearing a badge or uniform.

“Easy, guy, I was just hoping you could help me out. I’m kind of lost.”

“Ain’t we all, bro, ain’t we all?” he laughed. “Hey, babe, why don’t you roll up another, we got company. Dude, you hungry?” he asked me, proferring a bag of Doritos.

“Actually, yeah, now that you mention it. I was kind of hoping you could tell me how to get back home from here—I got caught up chasing down some tiny demonic hubcap thief and I’ve got no idea where I’m at,” I informed him as I began to attack the Doritos.

“Oh sure, man, sure. By the way, my name’s River and that there’s my girl Sunshine. Here, hit this.”

“Uh, what? Sure, I guess why not? Good to meet y—” I was cut off in mid-sentence with a mad coughing fit while I was exhaling.

“That’s the good shit, right?” River asked me. I could only nod in accord as I watched smoke continue to pour out from my nostrils and mouth.

“Like a dragon, man,” I choked out at last as I made another snatch at the Doritos. “Check out the fire…”