Meadhall of the Comitatus

October is here again, and we have such sights to show you….

First up is a movie I remember being much worse than it is, but not what I’d call “good” by a long shot. It is a movie in which various and sundry people live under what are conventionally known as “stairs.”

I was going to say something like "Let's give the dog playing Prince a hand for being such a good actor" but decided that would be crass and unfunny.

Premise: 3/5

Well, this is certainly different. See, it’s a classic “coming of age” story–only this time, it’s on crack. Our protagonist, Fool (his nickname based on a tarot reading) is a ghetto kid who, on his thirteenth birthday, gets talked into helping case his rich landlord’s house so that he can get the money he needs to keep his family in their shitty apartment (better than the street) and get his mom taken to the hospital for cancer treatment. It’s not something he really wants to do, but he’s up against the ropes.

Problem is, everything goes to hell once they get into the house when both Leroy and Spenser (the “masterminds” behind the scheme) get killed and Fool finds himself trapped in bizarro-land as “Mommy” and “Daddy” chase him around the house trying to blow holes in him. The house itself isn’t exactly sane, with secret passages everywhere and some zombie types in the basement. Hell of a way to celebrate your birthday, huh?

This is quirky as hell, no doubt. It’s sort of a demented urban fairy tale, in a way–wicked stepparents, hidden treasure, a maiden in need of rescue, and oppressed villagers. Only it also has the aforementioned zombie types (ok…they’re not really zombies, but it’ll do for shorthand), “Daddy’s” hunting (aka gimp) suit, and serious strains of pedophilia and incest creeping through, spliced with some ghetto flava. It almost has to be seen to be believed, but somehow it still just doesn’t do much for me.

This is one of the many contestants for "Who Wants to be a Superhero?" that didn't make it to the final cut: Creepy Pedophile Man.

Cast: 3/5

First off, kudos to Brandon Adams (Fool) and A.J. Langer (Alice, the non-mutilated kid trapped in the house), for kids, they really do a good job in their roles. Fool has spunk, attitude, and smarts, but never comes off as unbelievable or precious. Alice is great at being damaged, terrified, but resilient, and they play off each other well.

Sorry to “Mommy” and “Daddy” though (Wendy Robie and Everett McGill respectively), I just don’t like ‘em. The characters are wacked out enough, but I just didn’t like the way they were played. It was way too “stagey” I guess. Everett McGill comes off as an obnoxious mix of Bruce Campbell and Jim Carrey, only with a freakishly popping skull. I didn’t feel any real threat from them, and was just waiting for the next time “Daddy” would get hit in the head with something. It, uh, happened a lot. What’s really a shame is that they had some of the best lines in the whole damn movie, but just didn’t play them right. Boo!

There’s not many folks outside of those four, with the exception of Roach (Sean whalen) who is kinda fun in a “mutilated Neverland retard” kinda way. For what it’s worth, he does that well, definitely better than Mommy and Daddy do their similarly over-the-top roles. After him, everyone else is just a supporting character with little to no impact on the plot after some brief set up or exposition.

This is how Roach flirts with the ladies. Is it any wonder he died single?

Technical Bells & Whistles: 3/5

Not much here except to comment on the twisted house design, with secret passages everywhere and all the old funeral home paraphenalia lying around. It’s completely unrealistic, but if you’re watching this movie you may as well hurl realism out the window anyhow, since this is just crazy cool and fun. There’s some gore that’s pretty decent, although it doesn’t take the main stage at any point–this movie’s not really about that, since it’s more mondo bizarro experience-based than shock-based. Other than the weird crap they have in their house, special effects don’t play much part in this one. I will say that the “people under the stairs” make-up and costuming was really cool, even if the pseudo-zombia didn’t make a ton of sense. Or maybe it does…I guess I don’t really know what it would be like to live under some stairs forever out of the sun and fed mostly on, I dunno, body parts. Maybe someday I’ll find out. Should that day come, I’ll be sure to update you all.

She looks pretty upset. The boys should've listened when she told them to always put the seat down in the bathroom.

Popcorn Factor: 2/5

I won’t lie, there’s some serious “WTF?” all over this movie, which usually kept my interest wondering what crazy-ass thing would happen next. I mean, this movie certainly has one of the bizzarest climaxes I’ve seen in a while, because it’s so cartoony, yet serious and supposedly suspenseful at the same time. The house, as I’ve said a bunch of times, is a real trip, and the weirdness of the two villains is definitely not something you see every day. Somehow it all still falls sort of flat though. There’s almost zero suspense or horror, and this movie is just not as bad as I remembered it being, which probably would’ve netted it more points. It’s too bad, because I really wanted some awesomeness or even just some good old suffering, but this movie falls squarely into the average with a healthy slice of “huh?!” division. I wish I could say more than “take it or leave it” about this one, but that’s all I can give you.

This Slip N' Slide isn't as fun as she thought it would be. Neither was the movie, though, so I guess we're even.