"Oh Cyrus, you crazy son of a bitch, what did you do?"

Funk & Furor aren’t afraid of no ghosts…

Premise: 4/5

Cyrus Kriticos dies while hunting a ghost and leaves his glass house and fortune to his goofy nephew Arthur Kriticos (Tony Shaloub). Arthur’s wife is dead so it is just him, his hot daughter, son, and live-in babysitter moving in. A smarmy lawyer and a psychic disguised as a power company employee are there to help show them around. Things are going well and everyone is having a good time, then the house locks itself up and we learn that there are ghosts in the basement. Some are psycho, some are hateful, some are confused….all are horrifically rendered. Arthur’s son gets lost and the gang has to split up. In time they learn that there’s a lot more to the psychic guy and they also meet this sombre chick who broke in and is trying to help them all get out. The true horrific nature of the house is soon revealed, and the ghosts have their revenge as Tony travels into the very Eye of Hell.

Cast: 2/5

Who you gonna call?? You’re…you’re calling Tony Shaloub?…why would…Well, Tony’s never afraid, but not in a good way. More of a ’what’s my motivation?’ way. He looks sad all the time and it’s like he’s in a funhouse. Some more depth to the character would’ve been manageable, but Tony Shaloub doesn’t rise to the occasion. Likewise, The psychic guy has really weak dialogue to complement his own lack of real emotion, and just plays out his archetype. The black nanny is just there for comic relief. She’s over the top and a throw away character.

The ghosts are scary. You don’t wanna fuck with the ghosts in this house. They don’t want to possess you to cheer someone up, they don’t want a proper Christian burial. They want to EAT YOU ASS-FIRST. The great FX helped a lot but these actors were intense. The naked chick with the butcher’s knife had a great crazy look in her eye and a bit of jiggly (oh yes, it was full frontal). The gaping slashes all over her body were a bit of a turn off, but only so much. Fat man and his midget mom, creepy. Huge guy with rail road spikes through his head and a sledge hammer for a hand, bad ass. One could go on and on, but the ghosts are the movie and that would spoil it. (An aside, if you get the dvd watch the special feature that goes into the ghosts’ histories, the movie gives you none of it.)

The uncle turns out to be our bad guy, and he’s dressed to the nines for it, although he doesn’t give us a wonderful performance. He’s always doing evil stuff and he looks good doing it, but he’s just a typical bad guy. When he beats his nephew Arthur down it’s worth a chuckle, otherwise he is forgetable.

Fx/Cinematography: 4/5

I mentioned scary ghosts. They steal the show, slinking off with it to devour whole somewhere. They’re amped by not only great character design and makeup, but by the camerawork itself. These are some of the darkest ghosts I’ve ever seen. Oh, and that house. Nice. Real aesthetic talent went into the house and its hidden Eye of Hell. It’s not just a glass house, all of the walls are glass with funky Latin spells on them. Extra points for the Eye of Hell as it isn’t some lamo portal, but a huge machine grinding its way to doom. Good thing they spent so much time on the Fx, because the only real reason you’ll want to see 13G’s is all the cool stuff you’ll see in 13G’s.

I also felt that the camera lingered lovingly on Tony Shaloub getting rolled by his oldass uncle. Shaloub powers, ACTIVATE! Why is that funny.

Popcorn Factor: 3/5

This easily could have made 4 kernels, but the flick falls into the trap of predictable delineation of scenes. You know when the ghosts are around, and you know when they’re not gonna be around for another 10 minutes of exposition. As viewers, we should not know when it’s ok to walk to the bathroom. Once again it’s all about pacing.

The well done ghosts salvage the flick and make it worth a watch. It’s a little light on the scarry side, but overall interesting. A higher body count would’ve helped as well as some more complex characters. If you’re in the mood for a fairly solid ghost flick check out Thirteen Ghosts. But ignore the fact that the official spelling of the title is Thir13en Ghosts, those idiots.