Van Helsing
Dracula wants Frankenstein’s Monster for his body, the wolfman wants to be normal, and Van Helsing wants to know the truth about his past (spoiler: lameness). From the start, this movie wants desperately to be as cool as the old movies its villains come from. Ultimately it fails, but the ride is pretty.
The Plot:
Dracula has thousands of offspring that are stuck in mucussy sacs. They are all dead because when two undead mate, their children are born dead. To solve this problem, Dracula plans to capture Frankenstein’s Monster, wire him up to the egg sacs, and then zap him with a lightning bolt. Van Helsing, who has amnesia, is dispatched by the Vatican to stop Dracula and maybe squeeze a few boobs in the process. The Wolfman doesn’t really matter through most of the film, since all he does is bite stuff.
The plot fools around with several interesting ideas, but never commits to them. Instead, it relies on very silly ones. Par example, Dracula has a new and interesting history, but the film never fully explores this idea and instead focuses on his desire to be a dad. Similarly, there is a great opportunity to give Van Helsing a compelling history, but once again the film lets everyone down with a cop-out.
The dialogue is really terrible. It does more to ruin the film than anything else. Some of the lines are bland and cliche’, and the rest are even worse.
The Visuals:
The special effects are par for the course; they don’t look like crap, but they don’t wow us either. Sure, the Wolfman transforming back and forth is stunning, but if you squint hard, he looks like an old man wearing a fur coat and doing a strip tease. The CGI graphics are awesome, but still leave something to be desired.
Frankenstein’s Monster is really well done, perhaps the best incarnation I’ve ever seen. He is a mass of gray flesh with steam-powered braces. The best part, though, is his glowing green heart and brain over which electricity arcs.
In contrast, the CGI man-bat that Dracula becomes is lame. His brides also become lame bat-things with the anatomical detail of barbie dolls (I know it’s rated PG-13, but having no nipples is freaky).
The overall look of the film is great. It’s dark, it’s gothic, and it just looks cool. The producer clearly spent a lot of money on the sets. Everything, from the small villages to the large castles, look exactly like they should in a horror movie.
The Cast:
Hugh Jackman plays Van Helsing with some skill and not too many problems. Kate Beckinsale does a competent job as Anna Valerious, the love interest. Richard Roxburgh is an uninspiring Dracula. I think the cracked-out monkey that Bella Legosi became could still have breathed more life into the role than Mr. Roxburgh did. The cast is rounded out by some actors who did competent jobs, but nothing worth mentioning.
Popcorn Factor:
The best way to watch this movie is to mute it and play heavy metal music instead. The fight scenes are long and well done and the rest of the movie looks stunning. The dialogue and plot are crappy and just ruin the visuals.