It’s true. I’ve seen your mom, and we’re not talking about Little Caesar’s face or Papa John’s face–we are talking genuine DOMINOE’S pizzaface circa 2003. Why, just yesterday I snapped a quick picture at your mom’s and mailed it out, hoping for something free.

Consider the facts: first off, she sleeps with cardboard over her face. She adds one topping for free on Tuesdays. In fact, when everyone sees your mom at the door, they all reach right for the beer.  Mother Nature sure beat her hard with the Crazy Bread.

Half the stores on every Main Street boast large pictures of your mom’s face. No one brings more than $50 when they give her a ride. One night, when the sky was clear, the moon hit my eye just like a big Your Mom’s Face. Ugliness like that runs dish-deep.

Now, I’m telling you about this because I know your mom’s face is a REAL pizza with REAL feelings. That’s why I’m asking all Americans, be they meat-lovers or vegetarians, to give her face a chance. You gotta admit, that’s a real humanitarian gesture no matter how you slice it.